Baby Blog - The journey through IVF and beyond

Excuse the dust

2008-07-05T15:15:00.000-07:00

In the move I guess I superfluously thought that by leaving a nice clean little link behind, you would all be directed over to my new blog. However it was brought to my attention that the link did not work, and for the love of god I cannot figure out why I have so much trouble with links. RIDOCULOUS!

Anyway - here is the new address : myorganizedchaos.wordpress.com

Go. Shoe. Get outta here.
Nothing to see here.

Peace!

I'm Out

2008-05-12T16:36:00.000-07:00

I'm moving!!! I will no longer be maintaining this blog site or posting here. In all actuality, I will probably be removing the blog all together in the next few weeks (I will give my readers time to follow me!) :)

The new site is My Organized Chaos - Click to go check it out!!!Why am I moving? First, I really like the format and features of word press over blogger. Second, I can password protect individual posts over there, whichI really like. Some parts of this blog is meant only for family and close friends, not the free world and the blog stalkers I have. Third, this is not an infertility blog anymore. The new blog is not going to be only about IVF, pregnancy, and the baby. It will be about my life as a stay at home mom, my family dynamic of being both a birth mom and a step mom, both an ex wife and a current wife, it will be about all my kids not just Ashton, it will be about marriage, specifically MY marriage, about relationships and making it work despite all the things working against our odds (such as being a blended family, a second marriage, a one income family, etc.) It will be about starting over with a new baby when we have older children already. There will be posts about breastfeeding, body after baby, milestones, vaccines, attachment parenting, diaper changes. There will also be posts about shopping, coffee drinking, wine tasting, and brand names. It will be about the trials and tribulations of people in my life and my feelings about them. There might be some interesting posts about what it might be like to watch from the outside as a man learns that his partner of 13 years, his wife, the mother of his children, has been having an affair in their home with a woman . A woman who was the husband's friend for 8 years. Who he hired to work with him. Who he welcomed into his home during her life threatening illness. Interesting things........

It will be about my life.

So head on over. Check it out. Leave a comment letting me know you moved with me. And most importantly, if you want access to the protected posts, email me or leave a comment so I can add you to my list of notifications, so that you will get the passwords to the posts once I post them. That is of utmost importance if you are in the circle of trust. You know who you are,

Mother's Day

2008-05-11T20:36:00.001-07:00

My 12th Mother's Day as a mommy. My 11th with 2 children. My first with Ashton. My 7th as Chris's partner, my 4th as his wife. It was such an amazing day.

First - the gifts. I do love a good spoiling! I got a pair of awesome coach shoes - not signature ones as I do think those are quite ugly, but very super cute heels that are adorable. A pair of Coach sunglasses with a signature hard case that perfectly matches my diaper bag and wristlet (wallet). A pair of my favorite jeans - True Religion. And the topper - my nose pierced! That is something I have wanted since mid-pregnancy but couldn't get then for obvious reasons. My husband has always thought little tiny studs in the nose are super cute, and I think they are cute as well and also good for my nearing mid-life crisis, haha. So I casually mentioned in the car today that it would be fun to get my nose done for Mother's Day. He didn't confirm or deny this, so I forgot about it too. Then about a half hour later we pull into the tat shop. I'm like - ok, guess this is happening now. So I go in and 10 minutes later I emerge with an adorable little tiny pink stud. And I am so fantastically cute now I can hardly stand myself!

I got taken out to dinner Friday night, brunch Saturday, dinner Saturday night, breakfast Sunday morning, and dinner Sunday night. Nevermind losing pregnancy weight - this weekend was a "well I am nursing and you know lactating women are supposed to eat an additional 500 calories per day" kind of weekend. So I got to see all kinds of family from near and far and celebrate the wonderful joys of being a mother and of being a new mother also.

Chris was amazing all weekend. We shopped and shopped, he carted me to every store I requested. Then when I just wanted to sit outside and people watch but it had to be by a Starbucks so I could have my tropical tea and it had to be my Marshalls because they had shoes I wanted and it had to be in a busy place so I could see lots of interesting people, he found the perfect spot and sat with me and never complained. And of course he commented properly throughout the day both on how cute my nose was and how amazing I looked in my new jeans. The perfect husband I tell you for the hundreth time. Manufique!!!

Then we got the boys and they had a little celebration with me with cupcakes and songs and I opened their wonderful school made presents - a flower vase from Zachary and a painted picture in a frame from Dylan. Too sweet. My kiddos Tay and Al picked out the most amazing sweet cards that they bought with their own money and they wrote very nice things in them. My grandma got me big pot of gardenias to plant. Ashton was perfect all day long - he even gave me a 4 hour nursing break for the first time. So to reward him and make me happy, I bought him $70 worth of more clothes. LOL. My grandma thinks he will outgrow his clothes before he can wear them all. Not if I change him 3 times a day I tell her! And I will, I do. I LOVE being a mommy!!!!

Life with baby

2008-05-04T22:55:00.000-07:00

It is 11:00 p.m. and I am in bed in the middle of two of the most important people in the world to me. Chris has just fallen asleep on one side, his head on my shoulder and his arm around me with his hand laying on the other person, my brand new son who is on my other side, with his face touching my side, his arms wrapped together, looking as angelic as anything I have ever seen.

My other 4 children are tucked safely away in their beds, my dog is on the floor, and I just have to say that life cannot possibly ever get any better than this.

Oh, I can't believe it's happening to me
Some people wait a lifetime
For a moment like this

Dairy Queen open 24 hours!

2008-04-28T18:07:00.000-07:00

I am officially a dairy queen. My son LOVES the boob! I am so glad!!!!!! We are nursing pro's and I could not be happier. Although I have never had any issues whatsoever with nursing, there is always that little bit of anxiety that the baby wont catch on. Well Ashton caught on!

We are doing wonderfully all the way around. Having a baby is like riding a bike - it all just comes right back to you. Being a new parent is the most amazing thing in the world. I cannot tell you how much love I feel for this little guy. And when his daddy looks at him it melts my heart. I am telling you I get tears in my eyes with how amazing Chris is with Ash. Ashton is such a lucky boy to have such an amazing father!

The kids are adjusting unbelievably well also. Alex absolutly LOVES his little brother. He even called me last weekend and asked to talk to Ashton. I put the phone to Ashton's ear and he totally listened to Alex. It was awesome. Taylor is the best helper too. She will sit in the backseat with him while I drive, she holds him for me while I make dinner, she just loves to have him lay on her. Zach's favorite thing is to hold Ashton. He loves it. Dylan likes to sing to him and probably the cutest thing is he calls him "Ashton Taylor" which is totally adorable. If Ash cries Dylan wants to know why. And he automatically knows to be gentle with him - we have never once had to tell Dyl to be careful or soft or anything. But he kisses him so sweetly and talks in a low voice to him and pats him really softly. Today he tried to wiggle Ashton's car seat because that is what I do when he cries while we are driving. Dylan did it all by himself and I caught him in the rear view mirror. It was too cute.

I love attachment parenting. It feels so right. We are so bonded already that Ashton immediatly stops crying as soon as I pick him up or take him from someone. It is instant. We even took video of it because it is so funny how he stops the second he is in my arms. So special. I could not have imagined things to be any better.

Quick Update

2008-04-19T19:56:00.000-07:00

Things are still going wonderful. Ashton is eating really well which I am so happy about. Even though I never had any issues with nursing my other two, I think there is always some aprehension that something might not go well. It is worrisome knowing that your body has to work right or else your little baby will starve! He poops at almost every feeding and his diapers are always wet, so we know he is getting enough from just me. He is staying awake longer and longer every day, just staring at us and listening to us ramble on to him. I swear I never stop talking to the kid. This morning as Ash, Chris, and I were waking up I had Ashton laying up on my legs and Chris was talking to him and he got the biggest smile on his face, it was so freaking adorable. Then Chris said the same thing to him again and he totally smiled again. They are so cute. Whenever Ash hears Chris talking his eyes get all big and he starts looking all around for his voice. He sleeps pretty well but we think he has his days and nights mixed up, because he nurses and goes to sleep almost all day long, but at night after he nurses he wants to stay up for a little bit. But today he was just up for like an hour until about 7:30 so I'm hoping that tuckered him out and he will sleep longer tonight. Usually at about 11:00 p.m. he wakes up and wants to just be held awake. Then after his 4 or 5 a.m. feeding he goes back to a deep sleep. He has been cluster feeding from midnight to 4 a.m. which means he just wants to nurse constantly. But I sleep and he does his thing so it works well.

As far as me, I am recovering nicely. All my steri-strips are off and I got to see my scar for the first time - it doesn't look too bad. It is longer than I thought it would be, but it is healing very well. The incision on the inside seems to bother me more than the one on the outside. But all in all it's not too bad. It has been so nice having Chris home and my mom here. I haven't had to do anything at all, so I can take things slow and I think that has really helped with the recovery. I feel no stress at all, and I can do whatever I want all day long. I have been trying to get out at least once a day, so we go to the mall or BRU or the bookstore. It's fun.

We love our son more than anything. Most of the day I just stare at him, or rock him and look out the window totally peaceful with myself and with life. I am the post-partum haze. I just want to look at my baby, be with my husband, hug and kiss the older kids, I am completely relaxed and mellow. I am happier than I remember being ever - and I am a very happy person with a very complete and happy life. But something about Ashton, being pregnant with him and having him, has changed me. I feel more at peace, less aggressive and more mellow. I don't care about so many small things that used to get on my nerves, I am peaceful and calm and just, happy. I have seen and felt the great amount of love my husband feels for me, I see it when he looks at his new son.

Honestly. I am so just in love with my life and everyone in it. I feel a peace in myself that I don't remember being there before. I owe that to my new son, he really has changed me.

Unbelievable

2008-04-15T16:14:00.000-07:00

There is no possible way that life could get any more awesome or more amazing or more perfect than it is right now. Our little boy is so precious. He is perfect. He is wonderful.

Being home from the hospital has been great. Ashton is nursing perfectly. He sleeps right next to me and we side-lie nurse at night so we have been getting pretty regular sleep for the most part. I get up a little to get Ash all settled on the breast, and I stare at him for a while, and then I doze off until he is ready to switch sides, then I burp him and stare at him some more, Chris wakes up and burps him a little bit, stares at him, we stare at him together, then I get him settled on the other side and we repeat the process. Mostly we just like to stare at him, and kiss him, and just be amazed in general that we created this little baby.

We have had visitors every day since I have been home, which hasn't been too bad because they stay only an hour or two and really it is nice just to have people over to sit around. I am not trying to cook and entertain, no one expects me to do anything but sit with them and no one wants to do anything but sit with the baby. My mom is a huge help as are my kids. They fight a little over who get to hold Ashton and who just held him and who has been holding him longer... but it is cute because they just love their new brother so much and want to be with him. This little boy has so much love all around him.

Chris has of course been awesome. I feel so redundant even talking about him because I'm always saying the same thing. What has been cool is since we have so many people in the house, other people see and observe how wonderful Chris is. It is so neat to have people come up to me and say "He is pretty special" "Chris is so good" "You are pretty lucky to have found that one" - all things I know but it is always nice to hear. He loves his new son so much. It is adorable too everytime Ash cries (the only time is when he is getting his diaper and clothes changed) Chris sings "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" to him. He sings "it's root, root, root for the Yankees" - SO cute. Ash stares up at him while he sings to him. I am so happy that Chris is the father of my baby. I am so happy that he is my husband. I am so happy at everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, things are going awesome. I couldn't ask for anything else.

Beyond Proud

2008-04-11T20:19:00.000-07:00

Our angel is here.

We have a brand new baby boy - Ashton Taylor.

He was born into this world April 10, 2008 at 5:11 p.m. via c-section. He weighed in at 7 pounds 2 ounces and was 19.5 inches long. He is absolutly the most amazing little baby boy ever. He is so perfect, and daddy and mommy just can't get enough of him.

Life is so amazing - I cannot believe how lucky I am.

I am having a baby. Today. Holy shit.

2008-04-10T09:28:00.000-07:00

This is so weird! I am having a baby today.

My wonderful amazing husband woke me up by whispering into my ear "We are having our baby today!" So sweet. He has been up since like 6, got all the kids ready and took them to school. He keeps saying things like "Today is a GREAT day for a birthday!" "I have to go to Lowes to plant flowers for the baby to come home to!" "No more belly after today" (as he is rubbing it). I honestly, in 8 years, have never seen him like this. When we got married it was exciting but different because we were in Hawaii and it was just the 2 of us, he was so kind and considerate to me by carrying my train and all that, but today he is just ....... different. Giddy almost. Like a child. It's so cool.

My sweet baby boys, Alex and Zach, knew I had to eat before 9:00 a.m. So before they left for school they knocked on my door and had made me breakfast in bed. They both made me cards that said "Good luck MOM!" and "See you at the hospital!" They are so super excited to come to the hospital after school and meet their new brother or sister. It is so wonderful to see the excitment on their faces.

My precious daughter is so helpful to me, as always. She wanted to be at the hospital with me the whole time, she wants to stay the night with me there, she wants to help with everything. Last night she washed one last load of baby blankets for me without being asked to. She is the most amazing child. I am so blessed and lucky to have a daughter who is like her. If the baby is a girl, I hope she takes after her sister.

So, I am off to get some last minute things ready for our big adventure in a few hours. Chris just got home from taking the dog to the park and we are going to get flowers. We will plant them for our brand new baby, our Spring baby, OUR baby. It is still so surreal to both of us that we are having a baby. We are so giddy with anticipation. We look at each other this morning, and just start laughing.

Chris has been through one c-section with the boys so I keep asking him all these questions about it. Even though it was 13 years ago - it is nice to know that he has actually been there done that - so I wont have to worry about him not knowing what to expect and he wont be surprised by stuff. He does really well in those settings, but he gets a little wigged out when they stick me with needles for IV's and stuff because he hates to see me in pain. And they never get it on the first try. So the fact that he knows what to expect with them cutting me open and all that is nice.

We also are going to tell the doctor not to tell us the sex of the baby - we want him to just hold the baby up so we can both see at the same time. The anticipation of THAT is almost as bad as the anticipation of the c-section. Today will be an interesting day!

My Wonderful Husband

2008-04-09T17:00:00.000-07:00

I just had to make a side note about how great Chris is and how lucky I am to have him. He has been so amazing throughout this pregnancy - and today especially since we found out we are having the baby tomorrow. He asked me to check an email for him on his work email - so I did and one of the ones in the inbox was a respnse to a mass email he had sent to his entire work (about 450 people). It was saying how we are having the c-section tomorow and how excited and nervous he is and that he is so happy right now and all these really nice things. He signed it "New Dad" ... awwww.

This isn't the first time he has done the email thing - he sent another mass one with the 4d pics of the baby, and before that the regular ultrasound pics, and before that the first ultrasound pics when the baby still looked like a tadpole. He is so stoked, and it is so awesome. Some may think after 4 babies that the 5th one would not be as exciting. But not this time. He was so amazing last night, we were in bed going to sleep and he kept kissing my neck and shoulders and telling me how happy I have made him, how amazing our marriage is, how content he is that he has found such a perfect and wonderful love. It is so wonderful to be loved so much and appreciated so much by such a great man. That man could have any woman he wanted - and he has chosen me. I feel so blessed and lucky.

He left work for the appt. (which he has not missed one of!), took me to lunch to celebrate the birth of our baby tomorrow, and then had flowers sent to the house right after he left to go back to work. I got them at like 11:45 and we had just left each other at 11 or so. Then he came home early from work because he is too excited to concentrate! He has been doing all kinds of things around the house - changed the headlight on the car, the brakelight on the truck, mowed the front lawn, packed some stuff for the hospital, I think he is nesting!!

2 of my sisters-in-law have called me and have told me that when they talked to Chris they could tell how excited he was for this. They both told me I am very lucky to have him. It is always so nice that people see the tremendous love he has for me and that we have for each other.

I just wanted to get this out so Baby G can always have something to look back on not only to see how excited mommy was for his/her birth, but that its daddy is just as excited too! And nervous as well!!! Yes, I am nervous, but knowing that I will have that man right by side, looking into my eyes, whispering to me, telling me everything will be okay, holding my hand and rubbing my face, I can get through anything with him by my side. I am so blessed to be having his child, a child we tried so hard for and wanted so badly.

I have to pinch myself sometimes that I am this lucky. Now I am going to go downstairs because I smell that he has started dinner (my job!). He is too awesome.

Baby Time

2008-04-09T11:34:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow it is. April 10, 2008 my baby will be welcomed into the world. My c-section is scheduled for 5:00 p.m. and I have to check in at 3:00. This is so different from how I expected it to be - but I think it will be good. We have a plan. We have the kids all taken care of, we can notify people so they can make plans to be at the hospital if they want to, I even have visitors starting to line up for Friday! LOL. So different than going into labor at some off the wall hour and having to scramble for stuff. So I figured that since Chris and I wanted so badly for this experience to be different from the other 6 kids of course something had to go awry. Well - I have had the past my due date went into labor naturally (Taylor), and the my water broke 10 days early (Alex) and Chris has had the water break (Andrew), the emergency C-Section (Tyler), the regular delivery but omg something is wrong with the baby (Dylan), and the regular walk into the hospital in labor (Zach) - but neither of us ever had the planned c-section delivery. So it must be a blessing in disguise! Our very own, very first baby will enter the world in a way unlike any of its siblings did. Kinda cool!

Doc said I should be discharged by Sunday. It's perfect really. My mom will be here Sat. so I will have my right hand man taking care of me and the baby, and my right hand woman taking care of everything else! Now all we hope is that they pull out a very healthy baby, that it doesn't have any hip issues from being breech, that it doesn't have any lung/breathing issues from being a c-section, that I recover without a problem, that the baby nurses well, etc. I have always kinda wanted pics of my newborn with that perfectly round little c-section head! No cone heads here!

I just hope no nightmare scenario happens - like I get an infection or some stupid shit. Or god forbid something were wrong with our baby. Holy CRAP I'm havin a baby tomorrow!!!!!!!! Wow.

Who knew 24 hours could be so long?

2008-04-08T07:55:00.001-07:00

Minutes seem like hours, hours seem like days. Days? They seem like YEARS!! I am so ready to have this child. The kind soul in my tummy kept me up again last night kicking the holy hell out of me. Even Chris, once again, kept getting kneed in the back from baby G. Now that we know exactly how the baby is positioned, we can totally tell if it is a kick, knee, or punch coming from in there. And the head-butts into my ribs are really enjoyable.

So I go to the doc tomorrow to hear what the rest of my week will consist of. My guess is that I will have the section sometime Friday, God please let it be in the morning, so I will spend most of Wed. making plans (again) and most of Thursday making sure everything is ready at the house, groceries are bought, etc. My mommy comes in on Sat, thank God, and I gave her the run down on all her duties. She will be on full kid patrol, taking them to school, picking them up, taking them to their extracurricular activities, etc. She's like "Mit, I can do everything if Chris will just be there to change Dylan's diapers!" LOL!! No, Mom, I wont ask you to change a 12 and a half year olds diapers. THAT is a little over the top! So I have lists to make for my mom too. It's not like I wont be right here in the house, and Chris as well, it's more that I would rather things just run smoothly downstairs while I am resting upstairs. But she did say she would be bringing me all my meals to my bed! Yes!! This c-section might not be as horrible as I am making it out to be! :)

My biggest concern is the moments after the birth, naturally. I wont be able to hold my baby and that kills me. But I know Chris will be there, he will hold the baby, he will follow the baby everywhere, he will stay in the nursery with the baby and when I am finally in recovery Chris will bring me the baby. Then I will get to hold and feed the baby. So we are probably going to ask all visitors to come to the hospital after I am in recovery. I am getting antsy thinking about other people handling the baby before I do, so it will ease my mind to just have Chris at the hospital with no one else to worry about except for little baby G, and when the 3 of us have had time to recoup from the c-section and I have had time to try to feed the baby, which will be more difficult after the c-section and I really don't want any one in there while I am dealing with the pain and the latching on and all that shit for the first time. So hopefully the surgery will be in the morning, and by the early afternoon all the baby's family and friends can come to the hospital and meet our new addition. This will be the plan any day that I deliver... OH! And I'm thinking we wont tell the sex of the baby over the phone. If you want to know what it is you will have to come to the hospital! LOL. Just because I enjoy driving everyone crazy :) Although I have my doubts that Chris will be able to keep his mouth shut. But once he tells one person, everyone will know. One person calls another who calls another, and our big surprise is blown! I had imagined that everyone would be outside the room when I delivered vaginally, and Chris would come out of the door and yell "It's a _______!!!" But since that can't happen now because clearly this baby likes to challenge all of my OCD control issues, we have to think of another fun way to let people know the sex. Hmmm. I'm going to ponder that for the next few days. Maybe we will keep the baby all bundled up in the hospital and when I get home we can have an unveiling of the gender. Haha. So for days no one would know if they were holding a boy or a girl. THAT would be a real kick in the pants for us!

Alright - well that's the story. After my appt. tomorrow I should be updating here to let you peeps know the deal. Or maybe I wont and I will keep it all a secret because honestly I am having such anxiety about how this is going to unfold. I can't wait to be over this part and just have my tiny baby with me in my arms.

Home from version ... Still pregnant

2008-04-04T14:37:00.000-07:00

Obviously, the version didn't work. Stubborn little thing. So it was horrible, more horrible than I thought it would be, more horrible than I allowed myself to imagine it could be. Horrible. The Dr. tried and tried, and then called in another Dr. so both of them could try some more, but no. Nope. Little baby G would snuggle right back where he/she was as soon as they took the pressure off and put the ultrasound on. I cannot believe that I am going to have a c-section. I am so irritated by the thought of it - them whisking my baby away from me, taking it to the nursery, so I can't even hold it for a half hour, or more. Staying in the hospital for 2 days. TWO DAYS. But a healthy baby and a healthy mommy are the most important. At least that's what they tell me. Ha.

So the plan is this: If I don't go into labor before next Wednesday, I go in for my appt. and schedule the section. It will be Thursday or Friday. My mom flys in Saturday so at least she will be here to help with the kids, which is perfect. Since I wont be home for two (god damn) days. The one thing Doc did say was he would look more into my request of having the version done after I have had an epidural, and since I would be in for a c-section he might be willing to try and vert the baby after the epidural and before he does the c-section. If that works, yay, I get to have a vaginal delivery. If not, they wheel me back for the section. But as he said, he was pushing about as hard as he could push, and our little baby was not budging.

Chris is now convinced it is a girl, because he said a boy would never be that stubborn. The poor man must not be aware of how stubborn my offspring can be! Haha. Either way, we know now that this is most certainly its mothers child.

I'm off to research-to-death c-sections.

We have a plan

2008-04-02T15:30:00.000-07:00

Version attempt on Friday - if it is successful we are having a baby!

If not, we wait for labor to start and if it hasn't turned we do the section.

Let's hope it works!!!

Naughty Baby

2008-03-31T16:28:00.000-07:00

My baby is breach. Suddenly. Went from last weeks "looking great I think I feel a head you are at 1 cm" to todays "you are a good 2 cm and I need the ultrasound machine, I feel something that is either a hand or a butt." It was a butt. The head is firmly planted right under my right rib cage. The saddest thing for me is that I can feel the left side by my ribs and there is clearly nothing there, but on the right side there is a firm round little (god damn mother fucking) head. GRRRR.

So we could have had an external version where he tries to move the baby back around. But then the baby could just go back to breach. We could wait and do nothing. We chose to do nothing. I go back in next Wednesday for my 39 week appointment and we will see then if the baby has moved or not. If I go into labor between now and then - we do an ultrasound and see if the baby has moved or not. If it moved, we proceed with vaginal birth. If it has not moved - I can either try to deliver vaginally with the baby breach or go for a c-section. Probably the one thing I fear more than a c-section (other than the obvious death/retardation/deformity) is having an emergency c-section. The last thing I want to do is be exhausted from labor, drugged on pain meds, not thinking clearly, and have to be suddenly rushed into an operating room without my husband to get a distressed baby out of me.

So. If I go into labor, and the baby is still breach, I will have a c-section. If the baby moves between now and when I go into labor, I will have a vaginal delivery. If I am still pregnant next Wednesday and the baby is still breach, we have to decide if we want to try an external version or not at that point. But obviously, the bigger the baby gets the less chance we have that it will turn or will respond to the version.

I am not a happy camper.

More pics of baby stuff

2008-03-28T20:38:00.000-07:00

Belly and nursery pics

2008-03-28T20:31:00.001-07:00

There are more on myspace too. I will post one more blog with a few more pics, but this site only allows 5 per post so I'm not going to continue with post after post of just pictures. You get the idea!

An Interesting Evening

2008-03-26T11:44:00.000-07:00

Last night was different. I was having some BH like usual, but noticed after about the 4th one that they were not stopping. So I started paying closer attention to them and when they were coming without going crazy and getting a notebook and a pen and writing down the exact minute and all that bullshit. They were maybe every 20 minutes or so. I met Chris for dinner around 5:15 and on the way there I started having pain right above my belly button that would start in my back and radiate out to the front. Ugh. It was so painful in the restaurant that even Chris was asking me if I was going to be alright. I was. I got up to try and walk around a little, went to the bathroom, and had 2 contractions. Came back and kept contracting. But they weren't painful or anything, just more uncomfortable and irritating to me. We come home and I go upstairs, get a glass of water and lay on my side; the old trick to stop the fake contractions. But they don't stop. They kept up until after 9 o'clock!!! 5 or so hours of this shit!!! Chris kept asking if the baby was moving - this is his measure for everything - and the baby was moving A LOT. Much more than normal for that time of the day. Something was definitly going on in there.

"Shouldn't you be writing these down?" Chris asked after one of the contractions. "It doesn't matter, I am not going to the hospital tonight" was my response. Because here is what I know: If I a in labor, I will know it. Something will happen so that I cannot guess otherwise. Either I will continue to have contractions and they will continue to grow in their intensity until I can no longer stand them, at which point I will go to the hospital. Or, I will have contractions until my water breaks, at which point I will go to the hospital. At SOME point it is inevitable that one of these 2 things will happen. I do not have a need nor a desire to go to the hospital and be sent home. I have had 2 children and never been sent home, and I don't intend to start now. I would much rather be in my own home, with my own things, than sitting or laying in some hospital waiting for them to tell me when I can leave or whatever. As long as my baby was moving, I could hear the heartbeat, and I was managing the pain, I wasn't moving. Period.

So pretty much the contractions came and went throughout the night, but they didn't keep me awake or anything. Whenever I would wake up to pee I would have one or two. I am still crampy feeling and having them every so often even now. But certainly I am not in labor. Perhaps on my way to labor, but it's not happening, like, now. I told Chris if I want to go to my appt. on Monday having made any progress, I am going to have to go through this. I would much rather do it slowly over days and weeks and go to the hospital at 4 or 5 like I did with Alex than go in at the first signs and perhaps, yes, be admitted, but be at 1 or 2 and have to sit in the hospital prison with Pit running through my veins because I couldn't let the little bean take its time.

Yay

2008-03-24T10:08:00.000-07:00

The eviction process has started! I am 1 cm dilated. Yippee!!! Of course, no effacement or anything yet - but hell maybe just maybe I wont be pregnant all the way till the 17th! I asked a very tired doctor who was busy delivering babies all day and night and still had more to go today if it was normal to dilate before effacing and he said not in 1st babies but after that anything can happen. I said "so 3 more weeks?" He said "it could be tonight, you just never know!" I highly doubt that, but maybe another 2 weeks. That just sounds better than three and a half weeks.

This actually happened. To me. Today.

2008-03-22T15:19:00.000-07:00

Let me set the scene. Chris is driving and I am in the passenger seat, we are in the Tahoe. We had just had a nice lunch, went to Baskin Robbins for some dessert, and casually strolled around the shopping center in Granite Bay with that new sunglass store and Home Goods. We were heading on to either Target or Walmart, we weren't exactly sure. We were coming up Douglas, from Granite Bay into Roseville, Kaiser was on our right. Chris must have said something incredibly funny, though right now I couldn't recall what it was to save my life. But I was laughing, then suddenly choking. I couldn't get any air at all, I was gasping/coughing/laughing when suddenly I vomit into my mouth. Chris was really driving fast, I remember everything looking like a blur outside the window as I glanced out to see if I should roll down my window. Unsure of what was happening, Chris continues to drive, but he is looking at me, then forward, then at me, forward, finally I swallow the vomit but I still can't breathe. Like, at all. Then next thing you know a huge amount of throw up comes up. I'm trying to cover my mouth with my hand - it's my Tahoe after all - and I am trying to roll down the window but the fucking thing is child locked. I have to breathe or I am going to pass out so as I breathe in I inhale all the vomit that is in my mouth and now my nose is clogged, my mouth is full, I am coughing, I am trapped in the mother fucking car, Chris is practically on 2 wheels squeeling around the corner and I am hitting the god damn door lock (I KNOW you are NOT laughing right now...!!!!!) finally I get the door open and barf outside, with one leg and half my body out the car and Chris holding onto my shirt with one hand and the steering wheel with the other. We stop, he throws me a napkin, I blow the barf out of my nose which makes me throw up again all over the side of my god damn truck and on the street. I realize that I really should have done my Kegels because everytime I cough or something pee comes out. Meanwhile my phone rings, who would be calling at a time like this? I yell (my sister, naturally). I think we sat there for about 3 and a half minutes with me wiping myself off, and Chris just looses it completely - he starts cracking up - now he can't breathe, his eyes are watering, I am sitting in my own urine and vomit, my LORD!

STOP LAUGHING!

Finally things are coming back together, he gingerly pulls away from the curb, and in the calmest and most serious voice he says "So. What happened?" And he is still alive.

Get this kid outta me.

36 weeks today

2008-03-20T12:32:00.000-07:00

Today I am officially 36 weeks. So many of my friends/fellow bloggers have their dates already. And even though some of them are 2 weeks after my due date, these are certain dates. Dates of c-sections or inductions. Dates that they know they will not go beyond. It is an end in sight. A light at the end of the tunnel. I do not have one of these dates. And while I really like the idea of allowing my body and my baby to decide when I will go into labor, and I do not want to rush this baby out of it perfect amniotic cocktail and into the painful harsh world, I desperatly want to meet my child. I am dying to know if it is a boy or a girl. I want the next phase of this. I want sleepless nights, breastfeeding, sore boobs, dirty newborn diapers, endless hours of pacing the hallway bouncing and patting and humming, rocking, swadling, singing, picking out the socks and hat to go with the matching onesie, spring day walks with an infant in my moby wrap. You get the idea. I want my baby. And I want it N-O-W. I want one more week, to 37 weeks (which is term) and then I want to have the baby. But I fear that I will go to the due date or beyond. And 4 weeks is really such a short amount of time. It is less than a month. But when you are looking so forward to something, time just stops. And in my world, time has stopped.

I lost more of my mp yesterday. We were taking the kids to the movies, and I made a pit stop before the movie started and there it was all over the toilet paper. This is the 2nd time it has happened. But I am not really having contractions, I have maybe 2 a day that take my breath away. There is no way those are doing a single thing except maybe getting my body ready for the real productive contractions. When I go in on Monday for my check up I don't expect to have made any progress. I expect him to say I am still high, thick, and closed up! I know Alex came 10 days early, but he was a big baby and he was born 14 months after his sister. I think my body was so ready at that time. Anyway, I am in no way anticipating going into labor early, or even any time soon. But I am anxious for when it will be here. I feel that it would be an easier row to hoe if I knew a date.

I want to congratulate Kate and TD on the arrival of their little girl yesterday morning!! Kate is a fellow blogger who I found when I was brand new to blogging and I had just come home from my transfer. I was in the 2 ww and she had just come out of hers and was 5 weeks ahead of me. She helped me get through some anxious times and not stress out on every little symptom. I am so happy for them and for their new arrival. What a lucky little girl!

36 week check-up

2008-03-18T16:45:00.000-07:00

Went to the Dr yesterday for the 36 week check up. I LOST weight!! I lost almost 3 pounds. I think it was because I was so nauseated and actually throwing up, and also because I have been nesting a tiny bit so I have been a little more active. I was also waiting until after my shower to do a lot of shopping, so I have been getting out and about more the last 2 weeks getting things to finalize having all the necessary (and some seriously UN-necessary) stuff. So between eating less and doing more I have lost weight. My Dr. is very un-concerned with my weight at all. He never mentions it at all, so that leads me to believe that it must be fine. I asked him if the baby was growing all right since I had lost the few pounds, and he said the baby is "spot on" for where it should be. So I guess I should be happy - less to shed after I give birth!

I had to get some labs done to make sure the nausea and vomiting isn't from an infection. I will find out the results at my appt. next Monday. I am going once a week now until the bambino(a) is born. That's exciting. I had a perfect stranger tell me today that I look like I have dropped. I know I am carrying low, but I don't care for strangers to comment on it.

We bought another piece of baby furniture over the weekend. The one thing Chris has wanted was a rocking cradle. I have never had one so it wasn't extremely important to me. But I guess this was his life saver when his boys were babies, and he wanted one this time too. It is weird to have a man who actually has an opinion on such matters. The way he talks he sounds like a mother. "I would get up, change their diaper, feed them, and then lay them in the cradle by my bed and I could rock it to get them back to sleep while I dosed off. It worked GREAT!" I am not used to a man who got up, changed, fed, and cared for the newborns. Especially since I was/am a breastfeeder, this kind of thing would have been impossible. But none of Chris's 4 boys were breastfed, so he was the man of the hour when the boys came home. He said the other day to his family at dinner - "I'm not going to be able to do everything this time, and I don't know if I am going to like it!" The breastfeeding world is completely foreign to him. He is so excited and thankful that our baby will be breastfed. He is very appreciative that I will do that - to me it is part of the package. I mean, it's just how it is. Breastfeeding is just another part of having a baby, like a continuation of pregnancy. It isn't optional in my mind. But anyway - he got his cradle last weekend and it is SO cute. I can't even tell you how adorable it is. And it totally matches our other funiture. Everything looks so awesome and perfect. Everything is exactly how we had talked about it being before we got pregnant. Now all we need is the bean to be born! (Another week and a half and the pressure will really be on that baby!)

Dear Baby

2008-03-13T09:01:00.000-07:00

Hi little baby. It's your ~~punching bag~~ mother just writing to say hello. You have, at MOST, 5 more weeks inside of my very hospitable womb lounging in your warm bath of amniotic fluid and then your OUT. And I don't want you getting any stupid ideas of hanging out in there past the 17th of April. Do you got that little one? Not one day. I have provided you with everything you need while I have gone without, and I am not doing it one day longer than is required. You are to cook in there for 40 weeks, of which 40 weeks will be over on April 17th. Capiche, oh precious son or daughter? Comprende? Great.

You have not been very nice to mommy lately. You seem to think that the world revolves around you (who am I kidding, it so does), and that you don't have to leave any room or energy for me. We are sharing this body, kid. It was mine for 31 years before you inhabited it, and other than when I had to share it with your sister and brother, it has been all mine. But you seem to think that it is all yours, which pains me in more ways than one because it means you truly are your father's child. I need those ribs, yes, the ones you have bruised and stretched and that you lounge under for hours on end. I also need whatever it is you are pushing and pulling on over there on the right. These are parts of mommy that are necessary for me to live after you exit, and baby, please stop making me throw up. We are going to have to learn to get along around here. You want me to eat cayenne pepper before your first meal? I didn't think so. So let's get something straight here. I control what goes into your little precious system for at LEAST the first 6 months of your life. You start showing mommy some respect or it will be hot and spicy going in, and who knows what coming out. Are we clear?

Now don't get me wrong daniel-son. Your parents and siblings and what seems to be the rest of the free world cannot wait to meet you. Countless people have spend hundred, nay, thousands of dollars making sure you, YOU, have everything your little infant heart might desire. And okay, the Coach diaper bag was something mommy's heart really desired. But none-the-less, we are very anxious for your arrival into our lives. But do you have to make our last few weeks together so painful? I think perhaps you are just tall like your daddy, and since mommy is short there just isn't a lot of room for you in there. But mommy has 4 other kids to take care of! I can't lay in the only position you allow me to be comfortbale in all day long. We have to compromise. I promise not to eat another bite of mexican food if you will pretty please let me breathe.

Everything is ready for you. Last night daddy freaked out because it suddenly dawned on him that the carseat is not yet in the car. Yes, we have 5 weeks to go, but daddy decided the car seat must be installed, now. So today momma is going to have the nice police officers do it so we know you will be all secure in the back of the Tahoe on your way home. We have everything you could possibly need little one, so wait about 2 more weeks then what do you say you come a little early? The thing is, I don't want you playing with that cord in there, ok? There have been some very tragic things happening to other babies about your age, and their mommy's and daddy's don't ever get to bring those little guys home in their very special police installed car seats. So you don't need to do some fancy acrobatics because no one can see you anyway, and you keep your head away from that cord. You just sit still in there for a couple more weeks and then you are to give mommy a very easy and short labor and we will all be a big happy family. We have come so far from when you were just an idea in mommy and daddy's head that day last March when we were sitting in our boat deciding to have you, to being in a little vile that was taken out of daddy and rushed to Deb's safe hands by mommy, and cleaned and added to the other half of you that was taken out of mommy, and put safely into the iuncubator for 5 days to become the perfect little embryo in the picture that is still hanging on the fridge. From that, you have grown to almost 20 inches and over 5 pounds of kicking, punching, rolling, rocking Greenhalgh baby. I can't wait to see you and hold you and feed you and rock you, and to watch, for the first time, your daddy look into your eyes.

So stay healthy, stay away from the cord, stop stretching completely out (the fetal position is fine, curl up and chill!!), and let's make it through these last 5 weeks as easily as we can. You have your whole life to cause me distress. Right now, I just want to breathe.

Preg fucking nant

2008-03-10T18:59:00.000-07:00

** Warning - This blog contains pregnancy related content such as the v-word and various information regarding various things involving the v-word. As well as several uses of the f-word. Continue reading at your own risk!!! **

The only good thing is that I am not alone. Other women who are about as far along as me are getting a little stir crazy too. I am still embracing pregnancy, I am still able to realize that, even though it is not all pleasant, this experience is still mine, it is still amazing, it is wanted, and it is special. I want to remember everything, not just the hunky-dory "Oh I love being pregnant this is so wonderful pregnancy is amazing I could be pregnant forever" bullSHIT. Because at 8 months along, I don't care how much you love being pregnant, the shit is miserable sometimes. It's just that fuckin plain and simple.

First, I am totally incapable of bullshit. I mean, on a normal basis I am pretty intolerant of it. But right now I canNOT handle it. People are so fucking stupid! Just as one small example - this morning my perfect, patient, wonderful husband took me to breakfast. Mimi's Cafe has their current seasonal muffin - cinnamon coffee cake. It is to DIE for. So we go there this morning. I have been thinking about that muffin for weeks, it was all I wanted. I order the muffin and a breakfast plate, and I want my muffin first. I wait for probably 10 minutes, and the lady comes to me and says "they ran out of the seasonal muffin and he said they made banana nut instead. Do you want that?" Hmmm. Let me see. Cinnamon coffee cake, banana nut. No, I am not seeing the correlation. "No thank you, I don't want another kind of muffin. Just forget it." That was me being as nice as fuckin possible under the circumstances. So we go on with breakfast, which wasn't good, and we are sitting there as I am looking around for the lady so I can get my check. She comes to the table, where my coffee cup is still full of coffee, and she says to me "Do you need more coffee?" I look down at my full cup, and say "no, I don't think I need MORE coffee. I just need the check." Chris tries so hard not to laugh at me but I imagine it is funny. So the dumb broad brings me the check WITH THE MUFFIN still ON it. Charging me for the god damn MUFFIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is just one example of this shit that goes on all. day. long. Stupid fucking idiot people all over the place. I can't. I just can't.

Then there are my kids. They are just kids, right? They need things from their mother. I totally understand. But God - for ONE DAY can they get along, not argue about absolutly nothing, not ask me for the lamest littlest things, for one day????? They are good kids, they clean up after themselves, they help me a lot, they are concerned about the baby and me and the pregnancy, I know they are really very good kids. But sometimes, oh, just sometimes.

Then there are the aches and pains. Today this pain started in my vagina that is indescribable. These shocking, sharp, shooting pains that take my breath away. It feels like when I was a kid and I accidently fell off my bike seat and onto the bar. It is insane. The websites tell me it is the beginning of dilation. Whatever but it better not fucking last another 6 weeks. I will put my hands up there and pull the child out myself if that shit continues. I am also sick and tired of having wet underwear. Shit just comes out all day and night. I wear a pad, but that is wet too. My back is killing me, my hips hurt. And this kid lives in my ribcage, which has to have expanded because my bra size is now a 38 instead of a 36. DD. Do you realize how large a 38 DD is on a girl who is 5'4" and 115 pre-pregnancy pounds? It is big, ok. Take my word for it.

Yes, I am in the throes of pregnancy woes. All I want to do is eat and sleep. Sometimes read. Occasionally surf the web. But for the most part, eat and sleep and I'm good. I am so unbelievably thankful for my husband, he is truly the best and I cannot even describe how much he helps me, how much he loves me, all the things he does for me and the kids and the house despite working full time. Aside from the precious baby growing inside of me, Chris is the best thing about this pregnancy. I am so glad I got to live through this with him because it has helped me to realize how very dedicated the man is to me and our family. I know how lucky I am. I really, really do.

34 weeks 3 days

2008-03-09T18:56:00.000-07:00

Here I am, 34 and a half weeks pregnant. It is still surreal to Chris and I that I am actually pregnant and that, barring any unexpected tradgedy we will be the proud new parents of a tiny baby in a little over a month. I wrote a post about loss and those unepected tradgedy's I am speaking about on my myspace blog and hope and pray that something like that does not happen to us. But I think I am now fully aware that it could. So I speak in terms of having this baby with the full acknowledgement that at any time we could be the victims of a terrible senseless horrific tradgedy.

As far as how I am feeling, I am having a hard time breathing again. Chris asked me if I thought the baby moved back up, and I don't. I think more than likely the baby just grew and filled in the room that was made which gave me one merciful week of breathing regularly. Baby is still moving at the same time every night. I could set my clock that at 8:30 p.m. the rolls and kicks start. Which now I suppose would be about 7:30 since we set the clocks forward last night. I listen to the heartbeat everyday and for the passed few days I have been able to find it within about 30 seconds of putting the doppler on my tummy. It is quite reassuring to have that little toy, but also the longest 30 seconds ever trying to find the beating sound. I often think to myself, how long would I continue to try to find it before I freaked and went to l&d. Hopefully I wont have to find out!

Baby Shower and Dr. Appt.

2008-03-04T10:04:00.000-08:00

My baby shower was Sunday and it was super fun! 3 of my favorite people got deathly ill and (thank you) didn't come so they wouldn't get me and the bambino sick - well okay 2 of my favorite people and my mother-in-law. Ha! We had a great time, and it was so great to see everyone. I got such amazing gifts, and that evening I was trying to arrange everything in piles so I could minimize my trips up the stairs. I was sitting surrounded by the gifts and Chris walked by and said "I cannot believe how many clothes this baby has! It isn't even going to be able to wear all of those clothes!!!" And he makes a good point. The baby has received so. many. clothes. it is amazing.

I went out yesterday with my gift cards and purchased the swing to match the pack and play/bassinett that we got on Sunday. I put them both together yesterday and they look so cute! They match our decor so perfectly that I feel like our living room should be in a magazine (if I may say so myself). Now I really (no, honestly) feel like we have everything we would need if the baby came today. Crib, changing table upstairs, pack n play/bassinett/changing table downstairs, swing, carseat, stroller, diapers, onesies, sleepers, outfits, shoes, socks, booties, hats, mittens, bath supplies (athough I need a baby bath still!!!), blankets galore, monitor, breast pump, we have it all. It is very strange to start from literally nothing. Not a hand-me-down in the bunch. It has been amazing to start from scratch, Chris and I starting our own little family, adding to our already large family, but this little slice of Heaven in my tummy is just ours. And it will begin its life with all of its own things, picked out specifically for him/her by very loving, excited, and anxious parents. Chris came to the baby shower - his 5th child and 1st baby shower! He had a great time and it was so nice to share that ritual with him. He even wore the pacifiers around his neck and played the "don't say the word 'baby' game." He had the most for a while, until he had one beer too many and the word slipped! We just want him to be a part of everything that is happening with this baby and he doesn't want to miss a thing. So it was very special that my friends are so welcoming to him - he really is just "one of the girls!" I love him so much!

On another note, we had our 34 week appointment yesterday and the Dr. kindly checked things out up there at my request. He confirmed that the baby has dropped and is head down and engaged, but my cervix is still high and long, which means it has not started to thin out yet. So by the looks of things, we will not have a 34 weeker!! Yay!!! He just told me to take it easy and let him know again if I feel anything out of the ordinary. He said I did the right thing by asking to be examined because I had felt a change and things felt different. "That is exactly the kind of thing I want you to tell me!" he said. I go back in 2 weeks for the 36 week check, and then every week thereafter until I am a mommy again.

Baby has been moving a ton again. The movement slowed down a little the past 2 weeks, but now he or she seems to have acclimated to not having any room and has just decided that it is HIS/HER domain and he or she will move as much as he or she damn well pleases! I grimmace in pain sometimes because it comes so suddenly and with such a shock. I am certain it is right on some nerve or other. It rolls over my bladder too which is the weirdest feeling ever. And last night I threw up! Just out of the blue I was sending something off to the IRS one minute and the next I was in bed begging myself not to throw up. To no avail, I was barfing after about 5 minutes. Poor Chris didn't know what to do! I staggard back to the bed and laid down and he was by my side in an instant begging me to sip some water or eat some toast or crackers. Yogurt wat the only thing that sounded remotly edible, so I had that and some water and feel asleep at 7 o'clock. By 10 when he came to bed I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep, but thank God I was feeling much better. My kids are so amazing in those situations, Zach was the worrier last night. He must have peeked his head in my room every half hour, and if I would lift my head up he would softly say "mommy, do you need anything? Does the baby need anything?" So precious!

6 weeks to go!

Gerronimo!!!

2008-03-01T15:09:00.000-08:00

I can eat! I can breathe!! Horray!!!

Last night I felt the baby drop. I knew it was happening - I kept getting these little shockwaves of pain down super low, and I thought to myself "He must be 'engaging.'" Then the rest of the night I walked around the house saying "slingshot: ENGAGE!!!" to anyone who would listen, including my dog. This morning I woke up and the first thing I noticed was that I was breathing. Not like pregnant lady panting then stretching up real far and taking a deep breath breathing, but actually breathing unlablored. I went out to lunch, and I ate a whole #3 at Carmelitas by MYself, and I wasnt almost passing out from my inability to simultanously eat and breathe which has plagued me for about 4 months now. It has been an amazing day! Breathtaking, if you will!!!

We are making progress people, progress!!! This little miracle will NOT be stuck inside of my body for the rest of my life!! It's true!!! :)

I'm not your superwoman

2008-02-27T15:30:00.000-08:00

Do you remember that song from the late 80's? HA. I heard it on my Sirius today and I remembered all the words. And although my husband is so wonderful and appreciateve and not at all like the man that she is singing about in that song, I couldn't help but think "Yah! I'm NOT superwoman!!!" Oh my word - what I am is 33 weeks pregnant and still trying to act like I'm a spring chicken! Let me be the first to say I am no longer a spring chicken!!!!!!!!! I am 31 year old mother of many who is carrying around 30 or so extra pounds! Oy Vey!

I am in pain today. I did too much. But when Chris called me to tell me that H&R Block called and our tax check was in - it energized me to a point that no nesting instinct could touch! I was suddenly out of bed, singing in the shower, slabbing on make-up and even doing my hair, I was singing in the truck, off to get my monaaaay!!! Kinsey and I went all over town - to the grocery store, the cell phone store, the bank of course, the baby store - my mommy just happened to get the gift she is getting for baby and I had to pick it up immediatly, we ate lunch, did all sorts of running around. I even tired out the 2 year old! Of course, once I had the gift in my hot little hands, I had to lug it into the house by myself and put it all together. She bought us the carseat and stroller traveller center, woop woop!!! I called her to tell her I can now have the baby today and I would be all set thanks to her! Here is a picture of it all put together:

This was the one thing daddy really had his heart set on - he picked it out which might explain why it is not incredibly "baby-ish" but he was so very excited at the idea of having a jogger stroller for the baby instead of having to wait until the baby was big enough for the regular stroller. He also assures me that the actual tires will be so much better than the plastic tires, and I have to admit he is probably right. With all the sports our kids are constantly playing, all the time we spend at the lake and all the camping we do, having a sturdy stroller made for activity is going to suit our family perfectly. It is great for a boy or a girl, and in fact when I was waiting for the man to load this into my truck there was a lady with a little girl about 9 months old or so sitting in MY stroller! She raved on and on about how much she loved it. It really is so easy to push, it turns on a dime, and the cup holders are actually deep to enough to, I don't know, HOLD A CUP!!

So I am sitting down for the first time and it is at times like this when I realize how much I have overdone it. The Braxton Hicks are coming strong and my hip is killing me. Oh well. I got a lot done.

Baby shower is this weekend, we are SO excited!! I can't believe how fast this whole journey is coming to a close and how soon we will get to meet our bundle!

Does time actually stop - or is it just me?

2008-02-20T16:53:00.001-08:00

I think these next 8-ish weeks will be the longest of my life. Time has slowly been slowing down, and I am concerned that it will actually completely stop before too long. I know this happens towards the end of pregnancy, but I hoped it would not happen to me because I had planned on enjoying each and every second of this pregnancy. And I am. But I am also ready to have my baby, in my arms, at my breast, on daddy's chest. I am ready.

I was not aware how much I missed having a baby. I know I don't actually have the baby yet, but the getting ready has really made me remember so many things that I forgot. All the little diapers, the baby clothes, the onesies, the bibs, the pacifires, the nursing bras and nursing pads and nursing camis, all the toys and supplies. Then there is just the having of someone who needs you and relies on you completely for their life. Then there is the baby smell, the baby sounds, those precious little scents and noises that only last for such a short time. When I had my first 2 I was so young, and they were so close together, and it was my first time as a parent, that I just didn't realize how fast certain things go by, and then they are just gone. Never again to see a toothless smile, never again to have baby throw up on your shirt, never again to listen to your infant make those gulping sounds as they nurse. The little clothes that they only fit into for a few months, and then poof! they are too small and they will never ever be that size again.

I have been spending lots of time with my kids half-sister, my ex-husbands little girl. She is so special and precious. She makes me see more ways that little kids are so unique and special, and that this age, she is almost 3, is so precious when they are learning so many things, asking so many questions, trying to understand things. How they just play and talk to themselves, talk to their stuffed animals, it is so amazing. I will be taking so much video of our baby so that I don't lose any of this time. I need need need to videotape my tummy moving before I give birth, because that is another thing I never want to forget.

So even though the days are getting longer, the baby is getting bigger, and I am getting more uncomfortable, I know that in just 8 weeks or less I will give birth for what may be the last time. I will feel those kicks, rolls, punches, and hiccups, for what may be the last time. I will have a living tiny human being inside of me for what may be the last time. With Alex, I was not prepared for that to be the last time. Not that I planned on having another baby, but it was just not something I really thought about. Or if I did, I was too young at 21 to understand and grasp with "the last time" really meant. The finality of it all. And even though this time Chris and I are still open to the possibility of another pregnancy being in our future, particularly if this baby is a boy, I still fully comprehend that this is likely to be the last time. I am treating it as if it were the last time. And I am so. so. so. SO. thankful that I have had this oppurtunity to become a mother again. To unite with my husband, the love of my life, my soulmate, in this way. To be able to look at this baby, the crystal clear 4d ultrasound pictures, with Chris and have us saying "that looks like your nose, that is definitly your chin, I think those will be your lips" and to know in less than 2 months we will be laying in our bed, our child between us, saying those same things. We will be able to say "Well I see where she gets her temper from" "he sure seems to have your patience" ......... things that I never knew I wanted, needed, craved, or missed.

I truly feel so lucky and so blessed to have such a wonderful, dedicated, loving, caring, patient, amazing husband. One who is not afraid to love his wife with everything he has, one who is not embarassed to love and play with his children, one who is able to give himself 100% to his family, physically, mentally, and emotionally. It seems so odd to me that such a perfect and amazing man is actually divorced, because I cannot for one second imagine a more perfect husband and father. I cannot phathom how someone could have let him go. But now he is mine, has been for almost 8 years now, and I will not ever make the hideous mistake of letting him get away from me. Not ever. Together, we are awaiting the birth of our miracle, and I ask myself each and every day, can it possibly get better than this?

32 weeks

2008-02-18T16:16:00.000-08:00

Today I had my 32 week appointment and it went great. I am about 3 days early with Dr. Scates for my appointments, so I had my 32 weeker today even though I am not really 32 weeks until Thursday. It is fine with me though, it actually makes it go by faster in my brain. I think he might let me go a week or so early too - if I am lucky. I asked when I start coming in once a week, and he said 36 weeks but sometimes 35. So maybe I will be the lucky one.

In update news - I gained 2.5 pounds and now weight 151.5. Which means I have gained 31.5 pounds for the whole pregnancy. Which is a lot. But the Dr. is not the least bit concerned. My glucose was completely normal, my iron is great, so I am neither diabetic nor anemic. I measure "spot on" for where I should be this week, and he could feel the baby's head in my lower abdomen while he was pressing on my tummy. It's all good, good, good.

Baby still moves a lot. When I do my kick counts, s/he kicks 10 times in lie 10 minutes. It can take up to 2 hours! HA!! This baby is never still for 2 hours, not yet anyway. I keep reading that s/he might slow down on the movements in these later weeks because the room in there is dwindling. That doesn't seem to bother Baby G though, s/he finds room under my ribs, in my lungs, on top on my bladder, don't think for one minute a lack of room slows our baby down! Chris says all the time s/he is a "mover and shaker, just like daddy!!" So cute.

I have one cute husband story and thats it! Last night we were shopping at Target, we just had to run in for some candles to finish up the room we had been decorating all weekend. So of course all the Easter clothes are out now, including those adorable little frilly dresses. He walks by the little girls section, and stops and just starts staring at the dresses. "If we have a little girl, I want her to wear THAT" !!! It was too cute. Then there was a big poster of a little girl, probably 2 or 3, with blonde pigtails and big blue eyes, and he said "that is what our daughter would look like, just like that." I thought it was adorable. He is the best. He has been rubbing lotion on my ginormous belly every night, and he has started singing to the baby. He sings "It's Macen, it's Macen, my wonderful wonderful boy!" then of course, to be fair, "It's London, it's London, my wonderful wonderful girl!"

Oh. Which reminds me. We picked names. London Collait for a girl, Macen Taylor for a boy. Now all the child needs to do is get here - 8 more weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woop Woop!!!!!

30 weeks

2008-02-05T16:42:00.000-08:00

I will be 30 weeks this week. Wow. In the last stretch! My Dr. appt. was yesterday and everything is going great. I gained 3.5 pounds in 2 weeks. Oh boy. That's 7 a month. This means that by the end I should weigh around 160 pounds if I am pregnant for 8 more weeks. From 115 pre-pregnancy pounds. My word. Doctor said my fundal height was a little big too - which means baby is a little big for his or her age. Which further means I might get my wish and he will let me go a week or so early. This was his suggestion, and I love him immensly for it. I will be sad not being pregnant anymore, but I am so anxious to meet this baby! Anyway, he did not mention one word about the weight, so I said to him "I gained three and a half pounds ..." he just went "yep", shrugged, and said "don't worry about it." Have I mentioned that I LOVE him?

Baby is still moving a lot, which I anticipate will slow down pretty soon here as room in my tummy gets more and more compact. We can also hear the heartbeat with a stethoscope - something that gives Chris and I hours and hours of entertainment each night. The baby loves it when Chris rubs my tummy - he or she starts kicking and rolling around whenever he or she hears daddy's voice. It will be love at first sight for those two I am certain!

27 weeks tomorrow

2008-01-16T17:52:00.000-08:00

How much do I love my unborn child? THIS much!!

I loved this picture and wanted to post it - which I have done - posted it - everywhere. :) Because I'm cool like that.

It is my born children who I would like to be rid of this evening. They are driving me N-U-T-S!!! They may drive me into a crazy lady home before long. I have officially told them, at least 10 times in the last hour, that I don't want them speaking to one other or to me again for the rest of the evening. Needless to say - it isn't really working. They are still talking. It's just one of those nights, you know, where everyone needs something 2 seconds after I just finish doing something for the other one, or 3 seconds after I sit down, or 5 seconds after I get on the phone to take an important call, always something!!! They are goofy, argumentative, lazy, hyper, messy, and for some reason do not hear anything I say until I actually yell it. Grrr.

I want a bath. A long bubbly bath with a glass of wine and super hot water - NO - I want to sit in my HOT TUB with a glass of wine - no, a bottle of wine - and VEG OUT!! But of course, I cannot sit in the hot tub, or the bath, I cannot have wine, by the glass or the bottle, I can't veg out. I am the mommy. Mommy's don't get those fantastic oppurtunities to opt of of life. Well, I mean I can think of a mommy or 2 who call themselves mother's who actually can, and do, opt out of mothering all the time. In fact that would by why I am so busy being the mom. None-the-less - I am also pregnant and so this pregnant mom can't take a bath or sit in the hot tub and drink wine because I cannot jeapordize the precious perfectness of the baby I am carrying.

I am SO glad it is a 3 day weekend - our weekend OFF !!! Hubby and I are just dreaming of the wonderful quiet times we are going to spend together this weekend. 3 whole nights, alone together, just us, going out to dinner, sleeping in, staying up ;), doing anything we want anywhere we want for how ever long we want (how ever loud we want to be ...) I LOVE OUR WEEKENDS OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Especially this weekend I am seriously looking forward to because we have not had any time off from the kids since December 24th. THAT gets to be a long time, especially with Dylan. We look so forward to recharging, falling in love with each other all over again and getting to miss our kids.

Ok. Now that I have had about 15 minutes of quiet, I have talked to my wonderful husband, and I played a little bit with the baby inside of me (the pokey game), I feel better and I am all ready to go hang out with the kiddos again.

Letter to Baby G (#2)

2008-01-14T19:43:00.000-08:00

Dear baby,

Hello in there!! I just wanted to tell you what a little soccer player you are. Or blackbelt karate sensai, or marathon runner, or something. Whew. You kick mommy to no end!!! And punch, and I think headbutt??? We all love to watch you roll around in there. Last night your sister and brother, Taylor and Alex, were sitting on each side of me watching your acrobatics - when you delivered some kind of rolling jumping movement, to which Alex responded "Woah. that was weird." Haha. They haven't been watching and feeling you for weeks like I have. I know nothing is weird for you. Right now as I write to you my stomach is flopping and flipping and rolling, you are an a-c-t-i-v-e little bean!!!!!!!

Daddy and I have got your crib all ready for you! You are going to LOVE it! Your changing table is ready too and mommy put some clothes in the drawers for you, broke open a case of diapers and stacked them up, and laid a blankie out for you too. We are getting SO excited for your arrival, even though we still have 13 and a half weeks left to wait.

We have also picked a name for you. Mommy thinks for some reason we should keep it a secret for now. Your brothers and sister know. The names might not stick, so we will wait until you come out and then see if you are a boy or a girl, and what you look like, and honestly baby G, whatever mood mommy and daddy are in that day :)

I talk to you all the time, and we play a game I call the poke and kick. I poke you, then you kick where I poked. It's fun. If I rub my tummy, you kick when I stop. And if you are really moving around and I talk, you sit completely still. I have to use sign language to get daddy and your siblings to feel you kick, because if I utter one sound, you stop. You must find mommy's voice soothing, and you must also be very attentive and want to hear everything I am saying. You enjoy the song "you are my sunshine" which I sing to you several times throughout the day. You are also practicing a lot for your big day, giving mommy numerous contractions every day. You love to put your foot, or hand, or something, right under my right rib, and then leave it there for a while while I wiggle and turn and desperatly try and find a position which will encourage you to MOVE! You also are hungry every 2 hours, and like to make mommy very tired. Sometimes mommy just wants to lay in bed all day long. You are lucky that you have such a nice and understanding daddy who allows mommy to be lazy and helps with the rest of the work around here. Otherwise you would hear mommy yelling a lot, and no one wants that.

I love you so much my baby, oh, and I am convinced that you are a boy. We will see!!

See you in 3 months ~ Let's move on to our 3rd trimester in 3 days!! OH! Mommy and daddy are going to have a tour of where you will be born. We go on Saturday and are so excited to see the new hospital. We get to see your new doctor too next week - the same Doctor who delivered your only sister!! Mommy can't wait to see him again and show him how amazing you are. I think we will have your 3d ultrasound next month too. We want one more peek of our little creation before you are born. I would LOVE to get a look at the kind of acrobatics you are performing in there!!

Love,
your mommy

24 weeks

2007-12-27T10:10:00.000-08:00

I had my 24 week check up yesterday. I gained 6 more pounds and was lectured by the Dr. about how I have gained 21 pounds now and I am only supposed to gain 35 by the end and I might have a baby who is too big, blah blah blah. I think I can handle it. Alex was 8.6 pounds and he was 2 weeks early. So shaddup.

The baby's heartbeat was perfectly strong, sounded wonderful. My tummy grew from 19 inches in week 20 to 26 inches! Growth spurt is what the Dr. called it. I have been saying that I am having the largest baby of all time since what, my 10th week?!? So for all you peeps who keep telling me "you look tiny!" "Oh... it's just a little bump" you are WRONG!!! :)

Braxton Hicks keep happening several times a day, which my Dr. assures me is normal and fine and nothing to worry about. I can't wait for 3 more weeks when I get to see my REAL Dr., who is going to deliver my baby, the same Dr. who delivered Taylor and my 2 nephews, and I am on my knees thanking someone that we changed our insurance. Kaiser just makes me feel uneasy. I like the Dr. but there is something about that place that makes me think catastrophe is seconds away.

Christmas was wonderful, baby G cooperated and let me do all the things I had to do without much discomfort. I have a bad case of sciatica which makes walking and standing increasingly difficult. But Chris was a huge help, as usual, so if I needed to take a break he was right there to step in and pinch hit for me. We are such an amazing team.

Ok, and one cute husband story then I will go. I was bothered because well I had gotten him one big gift that he really needed and wanted, I had not gotten him much else. A few little things, but nothing interesting or incredibly thoughtful. So I was telling him Christmas Eve morning that I was sorry that I had not had a lot of time to go out and really shop for him, and that I hoped he wouldn't be dissapointed on Christmas morning that I had only gotten him one really good gift. He goes "babe, you are already giving me the most special gift possible - you are giving me a baby." AWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My hormonal self stood there in the bathroom naked with wet hair and sobbed for 5 minutes - it was the sweetest thing he could have ever said!!! Life is so amazing when you are married to the awesomest guy in the WORLD!!

Ciao everyone - have a happy and safe New Year!

Bad blogger!!

2007-12-14T19:43:00.000-08:00

I know, I know. It has been forever since I have written a blog here. Shush. I am stealing a quiet moment away - my son Zach is having his birthday party and there are about 20 little brats downstairs so I am hiding out in my room until their parents get here. I had no idea that parents had completely stopped teaching their children anything about manners or how to act as a guest in another person's home. When did this lack of manners and respect start becomming the norm in our society? No wonder kids grow up so fucked up in this day and age. Their parents have opted completely out of teaching their children anything about being proper and respecful. It is amazing. I am sitting here bewildered at how rude, disgusting, loud, and all around horrible these kids are. I would never allow my children out of the house if they acted half as bad as the rugrats here in my home tonight.

Anyway. On to news about the pregnancy. I am 22 weeks today - only 18 more to go before I meet by precious little bean. Baby G kicks up a STORM! It rolls around, and most of the time I get kicks both low in the belly and high around my belly button at the same time. Or on the far left side and far right side at the same time. The kid is so active. Oh, and when it hears music - forget about it! Goes completely nuts. It is so cool to get to know the personality of the baby so soon. He or she is always awake and active between 8:30 and 11:00 every night. It's cool because Chris is always home and I am chillin, all done with my millions of things to do everyday, so we just sit and watch our little creation moving and rolling in my tummy. It's one of our favorite pasttimes now-a-days.

As far as how I am feeling, pretty damn good considering I am raising 4 kids full time, 2 more part time, one of the full timers is severely special needs, finishing my last semester, Chris working more hours than before, and it's the holidays, which in my house doesn't just mean Thanksgiving and Christmas, but also 5 birthdays in 3 months! AHHHH!! My life is one of those insanely busy how-do-you-do-it kind of lives.............. But I have that 2nd trimester energy right now, which if you think about it is timed perfectly for me to get through all these birthdays and the holidays and be done just before my 3rd trimester hits and I am huge and exhausted all over again.

Life is awesome and amazing right now. Watching the changes my body is going through has been so neat, something I appreciate differently than I did the first time around. My marriage is perfect, my children are amazingly successful, everything is awesome!

I will try to post more often!!

Dear Baby

2007-11-24T09:48:00.000-08:00

Dear baby,

I saw you again on Wednesday. You weigh 10 ounces already! Almost a whole pound!! You are growing and getting so big, and making me burst with pride already.

We spent our first Thanksgiving together on Thursday. You liked all the food and didn't make me have heartburn or feel sick. Thank you! Yesterday we went to your nana G's house and she couldn't stop taking pictures of mommy's tummy with you inside it. Everyone is so excited to meet you!

You have a cousin named Grayson and mommy held him for a long time yesterday. You didn't mind although you were kicking a lot while I was walking around singing to him. I think you liked the song I was singing because I sing it to you and now you have ear bones so you can hear my voice. I love that!

Your Nana K and Papa bear will be here in a couple of weeks, and your nana is so excited to feel you kick. Everyone is very anxious to know if you are a boy or a girl. I am too. I wish we could find out, but your daddy is set against it. He wants to be surprised. Pretty soon you will make your way into the world and show us all if you are a boy or a girl. That will be a wonderful day, baby G! 21 more weeks until you are due. It is going by very fast.

Daddy and I are going to go out to find your crib this weekend. We are also going to look for a bassinet and a cradle so you will be able to sleep anywhere you want to in our house. But mostly, you will just sleep in mommy or daddy's arms because I cannot imagine ever putting you down.

Your nana G got us a very cute Christmas ornament, like she does every year. This one is of 2 bears, and the mama bear is pregnant. It says "baby" with an arrow pointing to the little bump on her tummy. It has the year on it, 2007, so when you get a little bigger you will be able to hang it on the tree and we will always remember the Christmas you spent inside your mommy's tummy. I have bought you too many Christmas presents daddy says, because you wont even be here yet. But you are with me all the time, and I know you want some presents too! I even got you a baby stocking!

I already love you so much, and I can't wait to meet you. But I am enjoying every minute you are spending inside of me, and I want you to stay right there until April! No coming out early!!! It's time for us to go get our Christmas Tree. Your brothers Tyler, Dylan, and Zachy are with us and they are very excited to pick out our tree and help decorate it. Daddy will be very busy hanging all of our Christmas decorations. AND we are taking our family pictures today, your very first one! It will be a busy day for us baby.

Love,
Your mommy

18 weeks and counting

2007-11-19T09:26:00.000-08:00

Here is a picture of our baby 2 weeks ago (16 weeks) sucking its thumb. So cute!!!

Faithful blog readers - I am 18 weeks 3 days pregnant today! Yippee!!! I have been blogging a bit on the pregnancy in my myspace blog (myspace.com/greenhalgh_family) because I am on myspace everyday. So when I have impromptu things on my mind to blog about, chances are I either am on myspace, I have just left myspace, or I will be on myspace soon. So I am sorry my blog has been suffering a teeny bit. But I am here now!

Baby G has been moving like a crazy person. This is by far my most active baby. I don't remember Taylor or Alex moving this much. Chris says the baby is a mover and shaker just like its daddy. Even cuter - Chris says the kicking is not actually the baby kicking, it is morse code for "I love my mommy and daddy." Yeah - I like that idea! :)

The kids are loving being able to feel the baby now. Last night when we started our family movie, Alex said "Mom, feel free to take the remote from dad, stop the movie and yell THE BABY IS MOVING!!" He is obsessed with the baby moving. When he comes home from being anywhere he asks me if the baby moved. Did the baby move while I was at school? Did the baby move while I was outside? Did the baby move last night after I went to bed? Is the baby moving? Is the baby moving now? Mom, is the baby moving? ........................ He has missed feeling it a couple of times, so yesterday he was going to feel it! And he did, baby G kicked his/her big brother several times!

Last night we had a name-the-baby-fest too. The best suggestion came from Alex - Phinneus Fern. Who comes up with this stuff???? Zach liked Riley, and Taylor is stuck on Hayden which I do not like. She simply cannot understand why I like Aiden, but not Hayden. It is not something I can explain, I just KNOW that my baby will not be Hayden!

Ultrasound is Wednesday. We are not finding out the sex, but it will be awesome to see the precious little one moving all over the place - I wasn't really feeling the movements a lot at the last ultrasound 2 weeks ago. We love seeing our creation dancing on the screen for us. Have I mentioned how happy I am, how much I love my life, how loved I am, and how freakin lucky I am???

Growing by the day!

2007-11-05T12:48:00.000-08:00

I am definitly in the growth stage of pregnancy. My tummy get bigger every day. For pictures please go to my myspace page (myspace.com/greenhalgh_family) because blogger is not very user friendly in the way of letting my put pics up. It is far easier to do it on myspace. So I have been putting tummy pics up about every 4 weeks - since I will be 5 months along this Friday I will get another one up this week. I have also been feeling movements regularly now - in the same spot each day. So the little bean is growing and sprouting right up!

I have an ultrasound in about an hour - but we aren't finding out the sex so DON'T ASK!! I will have pics from that too to share with everyone - again on myspace. So check there this week for pic updates.

The best sound in the world

2007-10-31T11:11:00.000-07:00

Mothers all over the world would have to agree that one of the best sounds in the world is that little "swishswishswishswishswish" - the sound of your unborn child's heart beating. I heard it just a little while ago and it was AWESOME! Even though it is my 3rd baby, and Chris's 5th, the sound never ceases to choke us up. Our little precious bean is still sitting over on my right side - which was where it was hiding on our 11 week appointment causing the Dr. to give us an ultrasound because we couldn't find it. He started looking in the middle of my tummy today, and I told him, "I think it's over here" and sure enough there was the swish! The coolest thing is that Chris and I are changing insurances, because I am NOT having my child in South Sac, or even worse, at the dreaded Morse Avenue hospital. So I'm getting one ultrasound with Kaiser on Monday, and then I will get another one in my 20th week with our new insurance, who will be the Dr. who delivered Taylor. So on Monday I will have ultrasound pictures of our baby, who should look very much like a baby! Yay!!

A butterfly lives within me

2007-10-19T10:05:00.000-07:00

I started feeling flutters 2 days ago - and I didn't want to post about it until I KNEW it was the baby.... it happens everyday about the same time, when I sit in the same position, and am very still and everything is quiet, and I researched it and YES, you CAN feel the baby starting in the 14th week, which I am in today. Since this is my third pregnancy, and I am very in tune with my body (honestly I think any woman who has gone through IVF is in tune with her body from weeks and months of over-analyzing every single feeling in her body trying to figure out the ultimate question, "did it work?") it is possible to feel it earlier, so the 2 days early when I first felt it I feel accounts for it. So we officially have movement in the belly!! YAY!!

** Note to Baby G: Mommy can feel you moving! Daddy cried the first time I felt you, he is so happy to be having you. We talk about you all the time and we can't wait to meet you in about 24 weeks!!!! **

I am starting to feel more and more normal again, finally. Now I just have to let my body convince my mind that things are getting back to normal. My mind still thinks we are going to get sick if we move, eat, don't eat, lay down, sit up, etc. so as soon as my mind and my body are back in sync I should be back to being the super-mom super-wife super-student super-woman!! My husband and children will be happy to have the woman in their lives back to doing everything for them!

My kids. How wonderful are my kids?!? Let me tell you something about my kids. Taylor, Alex, Dylan, and Zachary are the most wonderful children. Taylor the other night was sitting next to me and it was about 8:15 and I needed to put Dylan to bed, so I said "be right back I have to go put Dyl to bed." I had not yet put him in his jammies. So she tells me "I already did it." My baby girl changed her baby brother, put his pajamas on, read him a story, brushed his teeth, and put him into his bed WITHOUT being asked to do it and WITHOUT coming down and bragging about it. She just did it for me. I said to her "why did you do that?" And she simply said "to help you." Amazing. Alex has been helping so much - he does things without being asked to and without arguing with me. Dylan can't really help but he comes to my tummy all the time and says "my baby" with his little hand on it, I tell him "no MY baby" and he says "No, MY baby," it is the cutest thing. And little Zach is the cutest too. The minute he sees me the first thing he asks me is "how ya feelin?" and "how is the baby doin?" AND the other day the ice cream man came and I asked him to run out and get me something, I said "surprise me!" So he brings me back this sparkly pink strawberry ice cream. Chris asked him "why did you get that one for mom?" and Zachy said "I thought the baby would like a pink one because I think it's a girl!!" Although Andrew isn't here very much anymore, being 16 and driving who ever sees him except his girlfriend - but he still asks me first thing "How are you feeling, how is the baby, are you showing yet?" and he is involved in his way. If it is a boy the middle name will be Christopher, and we asked Andrew if he was okay with the baby having his middle name. I think he was honored, he seemed very proud. We will give the baby, if it is a boy, Andrew's initials. ACG - Chris says, so his oldest and youngest are both ACG. I think that means a lot to Andrew.

I just love being able to give this oppurtunity to the kids - I think it is so cool because they are all old enough to remember everything about it and will always remember their baby brother or sister coming into this world, and their mommy being pregnant. This whole thing is not only amazing for Chris and I, but so great and wonderful and amazing for our whole family. We have always been a very close family, there have never been lines in our family about who is your kid or my kid, your mom or my mom or your dad or my dad, there is none of that. We are FAMILY, moms dads sons daughters brothers sisters. So having this baby wouldn't be necessary to bring our family together, but it sure will bond us in just another way, someone who belongs to all of of us not only in our hearts and minds, but by blood. I have had a lot of time to reflect a lot on what this baby means not only to me, but to every member of my family. To Chris, Taylor, Dylan, Alex, Zach - to our family unit. And I can tell this baby right now, at 14 weeks pregnant, that you are going to have more love than you could ever know what to do with, and you are such a gift to the Greenhalgh family, and that you are SO lucky to be born into this family, with this mommy and daddy who want you more than we want anything in the world, with brothers and a sister who are going to love and cherish and spoil you rotten!!!

Okay, so obviously I am still hormonal..... :)

Ya know, Chris and I have been best friends for almost 8 years, since we have been together, and we would have remained married and best friends until the day one of us died, actually until both of us died, and we would NOT have needed a baby to keep us married or to keep us happy. We had known and decided long ago that we would never have a child together, and we have always known that having a child together was something we didn't need. But we wanted to, and were able to recognize that dream (through lots of money, time, pain, etc.) and I can say that it has made our love, not deeper, but different. When he hugs me as we sit in the booth of a restaurant, and has his arms around me, and he is rubbing my little tummy bump, and when he leaves in the morning he says "let me kiss baby" there is something different happening there. Something so intimate. And to love someone the way we love each other, it honestly, completely honestly feels so intense that it brings tears to our eyes. When I imagine how he will be there next to me while I am having his child, holding my hand and looking into my eyes, exerting the control over me to calm me down in a way that no one else in this entire world has ever or will ever be able to do, it makes me tear up too.

Okay. Well, that blog should make up for all my short blogs and boring blogs and not blogging at all!!! I told you I am back to feeling normal again!!! :)

Finally.......

2007-10-12T15:56:00.000-07:00

Today marks the official beginning of my second trimester - or more importantly - the last day of my first trimester!!! Yip-a-dee-doo-da! I am still feeling tired, and can't be super active for a very long time - I tire out quick - but at least I'm not spending 8 hours in bed every day!

I have started to really show - like a lot. Still not enough to fit into those giagantic maternity jeans - is it me or are they big in the weirdest places??? - but way too big to wear my old pants. So I'm in sweats most of the time for now. I also have started feeling the wonderful pains in my abdomen and legs - called "round ligament pain." This is from my uterus stetching and growing to hold the baby, who will miraculously grow 3 times its current size over the next 2 weeks.

I have settled on a name that will work for either gender, so if I can convince Chris that it is a great name we might be able to actually start calling this child by something other than "it" which I really hate doing. I usually go to the trouble of saying "him or her" "he or she" and it would be nice to just say "________ is moving!" _________ is making me hungry!" and so on. Of course no name announcement will be made until we have decided for certain.

For the most part I am enjoying my pregnancy, but I did forget over the last 10 years some of the shitty things - like not being able to have coffee and everything tasting funny and the terrible aftertaste that anything I eat leaves in my mouth. But I so cannot wait to have this baby, I am so excited to have a baby in the house, in my arms.

Happy 2nd trimester to me!

My third pregnancy

2007-09-28T22:04:00.000-07:00

This is technically my third pregnancy. However, it feels so much like my first. Not literally - it does not feel the same way my first pregnancy felt, it feels like it is the first time I have been pregnant at all. Don't get me wrong, I still compare this pregnancy with the first 2, and I am sure as time goes on I will do so more and more. This time around, I am such a different person. Eleven years will do that, and there is no doubt that there is a very big difference between a 20 year old and a 30 year old!

Everything feels new, like a first. I am married to a different man, and we are having our first child together. The first main difference is that I have been with this man for over 7 years, versus about 2 years with my first 2 children's father. Chris and I are married and have been for almost 4 years. Ryan and I were not yet married when I got pregnant (planning the big wedding already, yes.) Chris and I had planned a life with no children together, and now we have found a way to make our baby. The planning of it has been so much different, and I think that is one of the biggest differences for Chris. He feels so different because for the first time in his life, out of 4 previous children, he planned this one. He had not planned on any of the first 4 - and that comes as a big deal to him that we worked so hard to have this child. We own our home, he has a wonderful good paying secure job with great benefits, we have a retirement fund, we are really grown-ups!

I was just reflecting on this a little and thought it would be an interesting blog, mostly because I want to have this as sort of a memoir of my thoughts and feelings through IVF and pregnancy, and this feeling is one I want to capture. Also - this little bean has already had it's picture taken 3 times, and I am only 11 weeks along today! Things have changed so much from my earlier pregnancies. They offer as a standard a "dating ultrasound" at your first prenatal appointment - to make sure your dating is correct and that your due date is based on the actual size of the fetus and not your best guess of when your last period was. Of course we knew the actual date of conception so our due date was right - April 17, 2008. But that was new, and the 4d ultrasounds you can get a little later on in pregnancy are new. And all the things to buy! the swings that go in 8 different directions, the pack and plays that have music and vibrate, the bassinets that rock, even the carseat/stroller combo was not around the last time I did this! We are just so excited about the shopping alone!

This time is such a different experience, and maybe that is partly because I went into it with a different mindset than before. Becoming pregnant naturally is wonderful, but having to try so hard and go through so much, the shots and surgeries and more shots, the hoping and waiting and knowing every single step your little embryo is undergoing in its quest for life, it really does make us appreciate the miracle living inside of me so much. Chris loves to hug his baby, and whenever I throw up I crawl into bed and he puts his arms around my tummy and holds us. He asks me every day how his baby is. I am already talking to the little bean!

My third pregnancy is wonderful!

Week 10!

2007-09-23T09:05:00.000-07:00

http://www.ehd.org/pregnancy-calendar.php?id=2366

Go there - it is pretty cool! Save it to your favorites along with this blog and you will never be in the dark about how my pregnancy is progressing!!

I have been slowly feeling better, a little bit each day. I have moments of feeling normal again, but the sickness always comes back. That should get better and better over the next 2 weeks and then be completely gone!! I was nursing a horrible cold/flu for about a week - I still have remnants of it lingering on. So that makes things worse, of course.

Our first Dr. appointment is this week, which we are so excited for! We should get an ultrasound, the letter they sent me said we would at this appointment. We will get to see the little bean moving all around! *~* Cool *~*

We are starting to seriously consider beginning to shop. We have wanted to wait until the end of the first trimester, which is almost here!! I can't wait. I have had to get some new clothes - I can't into my size 3's anymore (haven't in a while) but I am in no way big enough for maternity clothes yet. So I have just been buying clearance stuff in sizes that fit me. I suppose they will be good after the baby is born too - I hate spending money on stuff I will only be wearing for a few weeks!

My tummy is really starting to pooch now, and my bbs are probably almost a full cup size bigger. That is big considering how big they were anyway! They fall out of almost everything, so I have had to start wearing mostly t-shirts or sweatshirts. It's not flattering and doesn't help the ego on this already-growing-and-getting-fat-feeling-mommy! I just want to look pregnant, not like I am putting on 5 pounds a week! :)

Chris has been completely amazing. He has made me fall in love with him all over again, in a whole new way. He is so patient with me, he does not want me to do anything, even such things as carrying my backpack up the stairs. He came home and I was vacuuming, he unplugged the vacuum, asked me what the hell I was doing, and sent me up to bed to rest. Then he makes the kids dinner, finishes helping with homework, does all the things Dylan requires, cleans up the house, and feeds me food in bed all after working all day long. I feel bad, but it is his way of being pregnant too. So, I let him - I mean who wouldn't?!?! He is the most amazing man, honestly. I am so lucky.

First Trimester Woes

2007-09-11T16:09:00.000-07:00

First: I was going back through my blog, and realized I never posted on the 31st - the day of our Ultrasound when we went in to see if I was in fact pregnant..... in case you havn't guessed - I am !!! We saw the little heartbeat and we heard it as well, which is rare in the 7th week but transvaginal ultrasounds, while a bit invasive, sure do have their plus-side.

So here I am, 8 and 1/2 weeks along, and I think I want to die. It is quite possible that I did die, and I was wrong about the whole God not existing thing, and I am actually in hell. I hurt all the time, I want to puke from the minute I wake up until the minute I go to sleep, and probably during sleep I just don't know it, however I rarely actually do puke. I think puking might be better than constantly feeling like I am going to. Although the other night I was laying in bed watching TV while Chris was packing, Taylor was talking to me, and suddenly here it came.... I jumped out of bed, did 3 leaps over things on my bedroom floor while simultaneously gagging, and made it to the toilet just in time for the purging of my insides. Lovely.

And then there is the exhaustion. I know that one of the common pregnacy symptoms is "extreme fatigue" but you have no idea how extreme it is. I am close to tears when I have to make dinner. I want to kill myself when I have to start the daily rounds to pick the children up from their various schools. It is RIDICULOUS!!!!!!!!!! Now I am not the most active person by far, I don't like to excercise and am not really a busy-body, but THIS. IS. INSANE. I have literally had to explain to my kids that I am in bed because of how sick I feel from the pregnancy, and they can come lay in bed with me whenever they want to. And they do - kids are great in that way. They totally understand, it's really awesome.

BUT. We are all so excited about this baby that it makes every single second of my misery worth it. The payoff will be absolutly amazing and I know that. I am going to give my husband a wonderful gift, my children too, and of course myself. And I do have the most supportive husband, who tells me not to do anything but be pregnant. I only have about 3 and 1/2 weeks left of the first trimester and then we coast for the next 3 months. That is when the glow will come, the constant urge to urinate will leave, I can eat like a normal person, I will have some energy back, and I will feel good and normal again! 3 months of rest before I grow as big as a house and have to lay around all the time waiting to meet our little creation.

God.... I cannot WAIT to meet our creation. OUR creation. Our little human, our son or daughter, ours. Just the thought of it brightens my entire day.

From someone else's mouth

2007-09-08T19:37:00.000-07:00

I copied this from another blog - so people know I am not the only one who feels the feeling I displayed in my previous blog. :)

So you are finally pregnant after however many heart-wrenching soul-and-budget-destroying tries at IVF.

Is it time to relax? To cut loose, feel normal again, to let your soon-to-be-luxuriant-thanks-to-pregnancy-hormones-hair down? Time to join all the other smug pregnants shopping at Egg and flaunting their bellies at every snatched opportunity?
By all means feel free to try but there are those of us, who, after so much worry and hopelessness, find it hard to stop worrying and rid ourselves of the nagging spectre of doom. After the euphoria of the positive pregnancy test wears off a feeling of anxiety, even fear can replace it.

Oh my God, how am I going to cope with twins/triplets/quads? What if after all this I miscarry? Will my baby/s be normal? Why am I thinking this stuff?

Maybe part of the reason lies with the fact that an IVF pregnancy is illuminated at every step of the way. There’s barely a minute when you aren’t being tested for something and monitored for something else long before you even conceive and beyond, until the end of the first trimester.
Firstly there’s all the blood screening tests then the drug screening tests, the ultrasounds, then when your baby is barely more than a four cell genetic (and oh so cute – looks like DH when he first wakes up) cluster you get to see it on a screen and it gets a rating.

Meantime you are following its progress like you’re the paparazzi and it’s Paris Hilton. You’re obsessed with every detail, how many cells is it now, is it a Grade One or Two, how’s it doing? Is it transfer-worthy? Is it implantation worthy? How’s it doing? It’s only eight cells and you’re turning into an anxious parent mulling over its achievements.

On the day of the transfer, you’re up at dawn, having not slept a wink. After the transfer you feel every little twinge, you don’t want to drive or make any sudden movement in case you dislodge it. You become constipated for fear of it falling out when you go to the toilet.
You cross off not the days but the hours, the minutes, until the pregnancy test. No wonder, by the time you get it, you’re exhausted. Then there is the scan to wait for before it becomes an official positive. You get to see the tiny pole beating. Then, if you’re 35 or over you have the further abnormality testing to get through and another scan at the end of the first trimester.
Meantime the non-fertility challenged woman has had sex, merrily gone on her way probably drinking and generally obliviously enjoying herself. At some stage she realized her period was late and peed on a stick. Oh, OK, I ‘m pregnant. A couple of months later she rocks up at the obstetrician’s office for her first appointment.

So it’s little wonder the woman experiencing pregnancy after IVF may suffer higher anxiety levels than a non-fertility challenged woman and surprising that more of us don’t end up sedated.

What do the statistics say? Is the IVF pregnancy less likely to succeed? Marginally. There is a higher rate of miscarriage although this is largely due to IVF being prevalent amongst those over 35, where the rates of miscarriage are higher anyway.

There is a higher risk of premature birth but again this is so for multiple pregnancies or older women too. So there is nothing conclusive to say we should worry more but, I say, after all we’ve been through you can hardly blame us, can you?

By Jodi Panayotov, author of 'In Vitro Fertility Goddess' a non-fiction book about her fertility-obsessed absurd journey to motherhood.

Can you be a little pregnant?

2007-08-28T17:01:00.000-07:00

I know I have royally sucked at keeping this blog up over the last 2 weeks. It's not that I haven't thought about it, it's not that I don't want to blog. It's just that this whole thing is such a roller coaster and it's hard to know what the right things to be saying, are and what aren't. For one, I wish I had handled this whole thing differently. If I have it to do over again, or could have done this try over, I would have not made it so widely known that we were doing the fertilty treatments. I would have saved the news for after I had this ultrasound which is coming up on Friday at the very least. Perhaps I would have waited until I was 12 weeks along to tell our news. It has been very complicated to go through what I am going through mentally, emotionally, and physically, and to still have to field questions all the time to make other people feel better about what I am going through mentally, emotionally, and physically. It truly truly truly is something you can never understand unless you have been there.

80% of miscarriages happen in the first trimester. Having a pregnancy through IVF is a very high risk pregnancy in the first few weeks. These are real facts, not things I am making up in my own mind. There are stories of countless women who thought the first pregnancy test was all they needed to know they were pregnant, and go in to find an empty yolk sac, or a gestational sac with no fetus, a placenta with no fetus, a fetus who died somewhere between the third and sixth week, etc. etc. etc. The stuff goes on and on. It would be idiotic of me to assume that I am going to maintain this pregnancy when the chance that I wont is just as high.

I mean this in the nicest way possible, please stop acting like my concerns are not valid. I am going through this and I will go through it any way I want to. If I want to be negative sometimes I will be and I don't need to hear people saying "you need to stop" "would you quit with the negativty already" when are you going to relax?" I am a REALIST. I know what could happen at that ultrasound and I will be prepared for it and I will prepare in whatever way I feel necessary. Again, no one knows what this is like unless you have been there. It is not like any other conception or pregnancy. Between Chris and I we have had 6 kids and we agree that this in no way compares. You just don't know.

Thank you for letting me get that off my chest.

Now - on to updates.... Today I am 6 weeks and 2 days. I have my ultrasound on Friday morning. If all goes well, then I will be released to my regular ob to start prenatal care. I really hope we see that little heart furiously beating!!!

My symptoms so far have consisted of extreme fatigue, heartburn, irregular body temperature, emotional instability, extreme hunger, and as of Sunday a little nausea. I threw up once yesterday - pizza. I should have known - Italian food has always gotten to the pregnant version of me! I am gaining weight because I am always hungry and I am putting away meals that even Chris couldn't eat. I have been having headaches also. Some, if not all, of these could be caused by the Progesterone shots, but they are getting a little more severe as time goes on. I consider that a good sign, but not a tell tale sign. It is possible for the placenta to have attached and to be growing, releasing the HCG hormone in increasing amounts, while at the same time the fetus has died. That's why nothing, NOTHING, is certain. Nothing is certain until we see that heartbeat, and even then we still have 5 weeks of miscarriage risk. I will be so happy when I know.

If this pregnancy didn't sustain, I think we will wait a while to try again. I was all gung-ho about starting again immediatly, but now I'm not so sure. I think we will need some time to reprogram after all this. A failure at this point would be devastating, far more than a negative test from the beginning would have been.

The big news will come Friday. Stay tuned! As for now - where is the damn FOOD?????

Insomnia

2007-08-15T05:47:00.001-07:00

It's official. I can't sleep. WTF?!? I have been wide awake since 4:30 a.m. I don't get it. I am exhausted all day long, longing for my bed to nap in, and every morning I wake up sometime between 4 and 5 and I cannot go back to sleep. We are talking wide awake and bushy tailed, coherent enough to blog for God's sake. I am a sleep-in-er, I never wake up before 9 if there is no reason to, and rarely get out of bed until 11, again if there is no reason to.

Also, I am starving all the time. This is new to me because I am not a big eater. I am the kind of person who is starving to death, and eats 3 bites and I am absolutly stuffed and couldn't eat another bite. It probably takes me all day long to actually eat what would constitue one meal to someone else. Well over the last few days, I am just hungry all the time. I wake up hungry, I go to bed hungry, and I am hungry throughout the day. I eat and never get full. This baby is smaller than a sesame seed right now. My body is definitly doing some strange things.

I want to relish in every feeling, take it in and experience it because this will be the last time I am ever pregnant. This morning when I realized I was up, I just told myself, like it, because you will never ever wake up and be 4 weeks and 3 days pregnant again.

I also can't get that Tim McGraw song "If you're reading this" out of my head. It's been stuck there for days. It's depressing - good song, hell it's a GREAT song, but enough already!

Second hurdle

2007-08-12T07:57:00.000-07:00

Hey bloggers:

I had my second blood test yesterday - which was to make sure the little bean was growing the way he/SHE should be. ;)

My level of HCG should have doubled since Thursday. Thursday's count was 52, so we were looking for 104. My level was 107. SO - we are right on track, doing what we are supposed to be doing, and the little bean is growing and burrowing into its home for the next 9 months. Chris and I are really starting to get excited now. We have our ultrasound on the 31st - then after that we will really be excited and I will begin my 7 month shopping spree!!! YeeHAW!!

I have found such cool websites that show pictures of the baby during every week - so today I am technically 4 weeks pregnant and my due date is going to be April 20th. I know - 4/20 - what are the chances?!? Anyway, the bean is going to grow this week from being the size of the head of a pin to the size of a grain of rice. The kids are so cute - they tell me that my stomach is already starting to grow. I tell them I wont be showing for at least 3 or 4 months, but thanks. LOL. They are just excited.

Chris has indicated that I am not permitted to do anything but sit in bed or in the recliner on my heating pad for the whole pregnancy. Haha. He does not want to take any chances with this pregnancy he says. It is odd how much this means to both of us when we already have kids, and not a small amount! I have to say, having kids the natural way, where one day you wake up and feel a little queasy, and kind of tired, and you think to yourself "I think I should have started last week...." and bam, you are a few months pregnant, is A LOT different than this route where you know the date of conception, each and every stage of the baby, what is going on from before day one. It is much more stressful. I can't make a move without wondering what it is doing to the process. But I think we have a strong little gal in there. Grow baby grow!!!

Now I will just be posting more of how I am feeling and how I am growing, barring any bad news. I went out on a limb and bought a baby scrap book yesterday. I wasn't going to buy anything until after the 7 week ultrasound, but I couldn't resist. I have to start it with the embryo pictures!

The verdict is in.........................

2007-08-09T14:20:00.000-07:00

We are......

PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, yes, yes, we are having a baby! It worked! I got my call this morning about 11:30 - much earlier than I expected. I go back on Saturday for another blood test with the hope that the HCG level doubles which will indicate a nice healthy growing embryo. Then, I make the appt. for the ultrasound 3 weeks later, and we get to see the baby and the heartbeat. After that hurdle, I am all cleared to go off to my regular obgyn for all my prenatal care. I will no longer be a high risk pregnancy at that point, no longer an infertility patient.

Yipee!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The joy is amazing!

Day 3

2007-08-03T14:17:00.000-07:00

It's day 3 of the wait. In my wildest imaginations I never could have began to think what this would be like. There is an entire culture of women going through IVF and entire discussion boards dedicated to the 2ww. There are so many acronyms you would think it was owned and operated by the government!!

As for me: I am miserable. Yesterday I was convinced that this didn't work and that there was no way I was pregnant. Then I started researching signs that you are pregnant, and I found that I have fallen into one of the cruelest games known to man. See, all the things that give women their early pregnancy symptoms are the same things they have us injecting ourselves with. Basically every single pregnancy symptom is created by progesterone, of which I take a shot of every night. So pregnant or not - you get the signs. If the sign is not caused by progesterone, then it is caused by HCG, which again, you shoot into yourself before the retreival and it stays there for at least 10 days. So the signs are there and they do not tell you anything. Your own body is deceiving you each and every minute of each and every day.

And talk about helpless - there is nothing, NOTHING you can do to help this along. You just get the embryos put in and sit and wait and hope. No amount of rest or activity, eating certain foods, abstaining from or having sex, nothing will help those embryos stick around. IT IS HELL.

I am tired but can't sleep, bored but don't want to do anything, cold with goose bumps one second and deathly hot and sweating the next, hungry but want nothing to eat, one minute I cannot understand how my kids can just walk right over the pile of laundry in the living room and the next minute I am crying at what beautiful specimens of life they are, I am crying while watching Oprah for God's sake! I don't feel good but can't take any medicine, I really don't even want to be writing this blog right now and I was just overcome with irritation at myself for even doing it.

Bye.

Transfer Clear!

2007-08-01T13:46:00.001-07:00

"Transfer Clear!"

The last words spoken by our embryologist today after they put our perfect little blastocysts into my belly. Now the wait has begun - I feel like a little kid in the back seat of the car on a long drive, "are we there yet? are we there yet?"

My pregnancy test is on August 9th.

My clinic made me a little crown that says "Princess Misty" - and instructed my husnand that I was a princess for the rest of the week and he had to do everything for me! LOL. It was very cute.

I will have a pic of our blast as soon as I can get up and go to the scanner. Any false movement and who knows what will happen!! Our blasts were grade "A" or grade 1 embryos. We had 2 of them that were the highest grade possible and those two now reside in the calm, dark, quiet confines of my thickened uterine lining. Grow babies, grow!

I am sure I will over post over these 8 days, trying to keep my mind off this pregnancy!

More good news

2007-07-30T20:12:00.000-07:00

I just sit here and research embryos all day long, and I came across something that made me call the embryologist today. I just HAD to know my embryo grading. I know, it's stupid, kind of like caring what your babies APGAR score is, but I wanted to know.

The news: I have 7 grade A embryos and 4 grade B. Ain't that sumthin?

I know in the grand scheme of things it probably doesn't make much of difference, but whatever. I'm happy.

Those Greenhalgh Embies

2007-07-30T15:46:00.000-07:00

Our embryos are going strong! The embryologist called this morning and ALL of our embryos are still dividing, we have not lost one yet! We have 5 ten cell embryos, 4 nine cell embryos, and 2 eight cell embryos. The criteria for a 5 day transfer is to have 3 that are eight cells or more, so we are way over the criteria and are all set and scheduled for Wednesday morning.

Hopefully some of them will weed themselves out so we know which ones will be best for transfer. If we have all 11 it will really be a shot in the dark as to which ones will be the best 2 to transfer back. I guess it's possible that they could all be viable embryos and that they all could potentially become babies. That is not likely, but I suppose possible.

After Wednesday we will begin the two week wait - which I will refer to as the 2ww. It is going to be a stressful, long 2 weeks just waiting for the day when we see if this worked or if we go back to square one next month. Although it wont really be square one, because I will have the embryos already and all I will have to do is go in and have them transfered in. No egg stimulating, no retreival surgery, just the progesterone and the transfer. I really believe that we will get a baby, seeing how well our embryos have done. It just might take one or two or three tries. When it is meant to be... it will be.

So talk to me people - and help this 2ww get over sooner!! :)

It's good, it's good!

2007-07-28T11:32:00.000-07:00

I was awakened this morning by my cell phone singing Eminem into my ear, and knew in my shadowy sleep that it just HAD to be the fertility clinic. I reached out from under the covers, leaving my head buried, and read the blurry screan through sleepy eyes - "CAL IVF" - the clinic. My stomach churned, what if none of the eggs survived ICSI, what if the vasectomy made Chris's sperm unusable, what if none of them fertilized.... our process could have ended with that phone call. The ever somber embryologist asked for Misty Greenhalgh... she is so professional. "This is me" I say.

"I'm calling to update you on the fertilization status of your eggs. Out of the 12 eggs we ICSI'd, 11 are showing signs of normal fertilization." Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! YES!!!! I was so excited, I told her that the results were beyond my wildest imaginations. She seemed surprised, "really?" she asked me - "I am a bit of a pessimist" I told her.

But the first hurdle has been crossed - the eggs and sperm have fertilized and we have normal fertilization on more eggs than usual in this process. I just have to get through these miserable progesterone intramuscular injections every night until I either get a negative test (gasp!) or until the 11th week of pregnancy. They are terrible - the shot itself was not that bad, Chris is really good at that kind of thing and he knows how to do it so I barely felt it, but about 10 minutes after the shot it started to hurt and has not let up since. I sit on a heating pad so the bruising doesn't start, and I slept on it too last night. I don't have a bruise yet, but the needle hole is pretty large and I am sort of limping around. I was minutes away from getting the suppository form, but I knew if I didn't get pregnant that would be the one thing I could blame myself for. So I am sticking it out with the shots and hoping I am going it for a reason!

More to come on Monday when I find out how the little girls and boys are progressing. Send lot of energy to Davis and to the little Greenhalgh embryos!

Recovering

2007-07-27T16:10:00.000-07:00

I'm home from the retreival and recovering. I asked for an extra shot of pain meds in the IV before I left, and I think it is finally wearing off because I'm feeling cramps and getting nauseated.

But... I just got good news! I had 28 mature eggs! That is just amazing, a good cycle for a woman is 10. Which means my recipient and I each got 14 eggs. I just hung up with the embryologist, and 12 out of the 14 eggs survived the cleaning process and were ready for ICSI, which she performed and said it went well. She only used 1 vial of sperm, so we have 9 left!!! Tomorrow morning she calls me to let me know how the little eggs and spermies did together over night - send hope to them to multiply!

Everything is going well, I am going to take a nap. Chris just took the kiddos and the dog to the park so I can rest. I am going to enjoy the peace and quiet while I can!

I'm ready!

2007-07-26T11:35:00.000-07:00

A day earlier than expected, I am ready to retreive. Yesterday I went to the Dr. and I have responded the best I have ever this time around. I have 31 countable follicles, with 18 measured and guaranteed to be "good." I usually am not ready until between days 12 and 15, but yesterday was day 11 and the eggs were as big as they were on days 12 to 15 in previous cycles. I also have more than I have ever had this time. Yay!

I go in for retreival tomorrow morning which means I should have the embryos transfered back on Wednesday. The Dr. told me that all my previous donations have all gone to day 5 embryo transfers.

I am convinced of 2 things, that my heating pad and my relaxation have been factors in how well I have responded to the medications this time around. I have had a huge break from the kids and have been resting for the most part of the days this week. I have been really nauseated so I have been laying or sitting with my heating pad for several hours a day. Those 2 things for me seem to have made a difference. I'm not in school so I have no stress there - so I have been pretty stress free this time around as well.

The hardest phase physically is almost over, and now the difficult mental phase is going to begin. The waiting, the hoping, the thinking. All I can try to do is not stress myself out about it working, and know that I will have the chance to try again if this cycle fails. The Dr. said he has never had a patient not have embryos to freeze for another try. So if things don't go as planned this time around I know I will be able to try again. That in and of itself is going to be the fact that saves me from undue stress this time around!

Oh. Ow.

2007-07-24T15:25:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my ultrasound. I sure hope I am ready. My stomach is so big, I am retaining water and have had to take my wedding rings off. My face feels swollen. I can't wear any of my jeans. All I want to do is lay in my bed on my heating pad and read or watch TV and SLEEP. This is the worst phase of this... I know I will feel this way if I get pregnant, but the thing is I will BE pregnant. Now I am doing this and I don't know what outcome it will have, I just know I am miserable. I had lunch with a girlfriend today, it was so nice to see her but I came right to bed! I feel like a loser but I just cannot get up. I cook my kids their meals, keep Dyl's diaper changed, bathe him, and play with the kids in my room. I am just getting by doing the bare minimum right now until these eggs are out. I will get a couple of days to feel regular again before they put the embryos back and a whole new flood of emotion will sweep over me. God, I want to get out of bed but if I get up my stomach hurts so much and the nausea overtakes me, and I get all sweaty and my heart beats fast and it just sucks! Oh well - here's to the shitty part of this whole process - no pain no gain! If it didn't hurt then everyone could do it, right? I will let everyone know what the US shows tomorrow.

Starting to feel real

2007-07-19T12:30:00.000-07:00

Well, I have been on the stims for 5 days now, and my tummy is starting to pooch out from all the stimulating going on in my ovaries. We know I am never ready until about day 12, so I don't get to have an ultrasound this time until day 11, which means I don't know how many follices there are this time. Hopefully there are many!

Last night Chris and I went to "egg class" - which is where the embryologist gives a 2 hour class that covers everything from what I am doing now through retreival and into the embryo transfer. We saw pictures of each phase our little embryo will go through, from fertilization to implantation. Pretty exciting stuff. Chris is so sure it is going to work - I am a little less sure. I guess that is just each of our nature. The other night he told me he can't wait to see me with a big fat belly - I told him it might not even happen - he told me how can I say such a thing of course it will happen - I told him how is he so sure - ........ and on and on and on. He is the forever optimist and I am the constant pessimist.

I feel normal and good, just like I always do about this time. I am getting a little less energy and I feel guilty about it. I am a little edgy with my moods, and I feel guilty about it. In a couple days I will be tired and moody and I wont care one little bit! Last night the embryologist said that we are to be in bed or on the couch on the day of the transfer and the following days and only get up to have our meals. She then said "If you don't want to go to the table for your meals, you get HIM" and she pointed directly at Chris "to bring them to you!" It was great. No cleaning, no stress, no excercise, no sex, and no orgasims are what she told us. Nothing to cause stress or make our body temps go up or down. So no swimming of any kind either. She said that she feels that an embryo will want to stay in a nice calm stress free environment. I hope she is right! So, Chris is on strict orders not to tell me anything that goes on with the boy's mother - I told him I don't want to know if she calls, texts, emails, if he talks to her or if he ignores her I want to know nothing! I am going to listen to calming music and read books and be a princess for about 3 days. If that doesn't help the embryos implant, then at least I can say I did my best. I have been taking pre-natals for over 2 months to get my body all ready to go and trying to keep all the stress out of my life that is possible. Of course some people who are mad that we are having a baby are deliberatly trying to stress me out - but I refuse to allow it. This baby is my top priority right now!

Next week will be retreival - the end of next week that is. And 3 or 5 days later we will transfer. I wont know if it will be day 3 or day 5 until day 3. We make that decision on the morning of day 3.

Until next time...

Regularity

2007-07-13T17:30:00.000-07:00

There is not much news to report. Things are pretty normal right now. I am on Lupron and off the birth control pills, and I start stims on Sunday. I should be ready for the retreival sometime around the 29th, and then the transfer 3 or 5 days after that. Then we wait for the pregnancy test! I am so not looking forward to that time in my life. I am going to wonder about every symptom I have ("I must be pregnant!") and then self-doubt ("No, I always feel this way after a retreival.") It is going to suck. But if we get a baby then it will all be worth it, the waiting, the hoping, all of it.

I should have more to talk about after I start the stimulation meds on Sunday. Then it will be really like I am in cycle - growing those eggs and making sure they are healthy.

Ciao ~

My first appointment today

2007-07-05T18:11:00.000-07:00

Everything went great! I was expecting to get a shot today like I have received the last few times I have been a donor, however since I am doing this cycle to get pregnant they were unable to give me that same shot. It's not a big deal, it just means I have to give myself two shots a day instead one this time around. That is something I had to do in some of my prior cycles. I start those shots on Sunday and my stimulation meds the following week.

I had lots of questions for my Dr. today since I could not sleep last night after all the excitment of the 4th of July which caused me to go online and do research since I was tossing in bed thinking about getting pregnant. That is easy to do when the love of your life is laying next to you resting his hand on your tummy. So I found out some interesting facts - such as in my last donation I had 26 follicles of which 90% fertilized into embryos!! That was so exciting because in woman who produce 10 or more follicles there is a 50% greater chance of success with IVF. Needless to say I was very pleased when he told me the numbers. He looked at my past cycles and found equal success with all of them.

I am now on a special recommended diet which is designed to provide my body with all the energy it needs to produce numerous wonderfully healthy eggs and so that I am fueled when they transfer the embryos back into my uterus. No more sugar, flour, baked goods, caffeine, or alcohol. I am most upset about saying goodbye to my starbucks - but of course it is worth it!

This is such an exciting time for Chris and I and we just cannot wait to be parents again. There was a 9 month old little boy at the bar-b-que we went to yesterday and we could not stop holding him. It felt so good to have a baby in my arms! My clock is most certainly tick-tocking away right now. I have to say that my body always tells me what it wants, I listen to it and have stayed in really good shape just by doing what my body tells me to - eating whatever it is craving and doing as much or as little as it wants to, and right now by body is screaming at me to have a baby. Hopefully I am reading the signals right and this procedure will work. But with the wonderful news about how many embryos I can expect to have, we should have enough for even a fourth or fifth try if that is necessary.

I thought of the most adorable name a few days ago also. This one I am really in love with. Cejai Dawn. Cejai after her daddy (Christopher John - C.J. is how you pronounce the name) and Dawn which is my middle name. I know I should definitly NOT be naming the baby that I am not even pregnant with yet, but this name came to me while I was laying in my bed much like the name Taylor did when I was not yet pregnant with her - or at least I did not yet know I was. My children and I have a bond that transcends this world, and I fully believe that is possible. Part of me is so sure it will be a girl, that she has been pressing her daddy and I to bring her into the world. I know that is typically a mormon belief but I love it and even though I am not religious the thought of spirits and little beings trying to get their parents to create them is so neat to me. It allows the thought that your children choose you. So little Cejai has been waiting for Chris and I to have her for a long time!! But even if I am wrong and it is a boy - that would be wonderful. I love baby boys. My son is so important to me and I do believe that mother's and son's have a vey unique and special bond.

I suppose that is enough reflection for today since I have four hungry children who want their mother to cook them dinner!

Ciao for now ~

Tommorow it starts

2007-07-04T09:31:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is the day that I will get my first injection that will tell my body not to ovulate. I think the birth control pills are doing a fine job of that though. It's very weird to be taking birth control pills to GET pregnant! Everynight before bed I take a birth control pill and a pre-natal vitamin, and maybe it's the philosopher in me but I really ponder that contradiction each time I do it. I am very sensitive to hormones, and the birth control pills make me blah. At lesast these particular ones don't make me gain weight and retain water like some have in the past. Anyway, we are doing great and anxious to jump this off - last night at dinner we were talking about how in a few weeks we will be sitting there talking about having a baby, or we would be sitting there talking about how everything was a waste. But it even if this cycle fails, it isn't wasted because we will have little frozen embryos that we can use for another try. In my research I have read that it is not that common for women to have over 10 good transferable embryos - I usually have around 18. So I was surprised to read that. I have such good odds at this working that I'm nervous it wont. That might be the philosopher in me too... LOL. It should work, there is absolutly no reason for it not to work, therefore it most likely wont work. I do feel a strange calmness about it, like this is really what I am supposed to be doing. I never felt like I was only supposed to have 2 children, and I have always talked (or at least thought) about having another child, so I think that I am doing what the universe wants me to do. There is a little spirit there that has been trying to get into my womb for years!! Well, at least that's a nice way to think of it.

Think of me tomorrow -
M

Beginning the Baby Blog

2007-06-28T14:04:00.000-07:00

I have thought of doing this for the last few weeks, and I am finally getting around to doing it. For those of you who do not know me, I will do a little explaining about who I am, and what our situation is. For the rest of you who are here because you know me and want to keep up with the happenings of our baby-having, skip the next paragraph! :)

My name is Misty, my husbands name is Chris, and we have been married for three and a half years. We have been together for over seven years. We are not your typical childless couple going through IVF so that we can have our first child. Our situation is quite different from that, indeed. Chris has four sons from two previous relationships, and I have two children from a previous marriage. Both Chris and I decided before meeting each other that we were done having children. So Chris had a vasectomy shortly after his fourth son was born in 1997, and I had a tubal ligation shortly after I was divorced in 2000. We were both quite young to have the surgeries, he was 25 and I was just 22. We came together, and have been raising each others children as our own for the last seven years. Chris has always been a very hands-on father, extremely active in his boys lives and never was a "weekend dad." He gained custody of each boy over a period of about four years, which is a long and ugly story and not at all what this blog is intended to discuss or describe. My children's father was a very involved dad as well, until he met and married someone who did not want him to be a part of his children's lives, and that as well is a very long and ugly story and will not be discussed on this blog site. I have sole custody of my two children, and my step-sons live here full time, and that means that Chris and I are very much parents already!!

For about two years we have, in a semi-joking way, talked about having a child together. We mostly dismissed the thought because fertility treatments are very expensive and we have a lot of children to raise and care for. One of my step-sons is severly mentally handicapped, and he is ours 100% of the time, and that needed much consideration as well in the thought of us having another baby. It all happened one day when just the two of us were out in the middle of the lake on our boat. We were talking about adopting a baby, and I told Chris that I felt that we both had adopted kids, I have adopted his kids into my heart and raise them as my own, and he has done the same for my kids. No, I was not interested in adopting more children. "I want to be pregnant" I told him, "I want to have 'our' baby." He reacted in shock, because I had never told him that before, because I never thought it would be possible or probable. The love on his face at that moment, the look he gave me, I will never forget. He came to me and wrapped his arms around me, rested his hands on my tummy, and said in my ear "I would love for you to have my baby." It was an emotional moment, and it was then and there that we decided we would do whatever it took to have a child together.

It so happens that I have been heavily involved in fertility as an egg donor for several years, and I have worked with the best doctors in the state. I called the clinic I was working with and told them that Chris and I had finally decided to proceed with having a child. They were so excited!!! Chris and I went in to have our first appointment to discuss what we would have to do, our financial arrangments were made, and off we went. Chris had to have a sperm aspiration, a procedure for which he was put fully to sleep and was down in bed for about four days following. The doctor was able to check that day and assure us that Chris still had lots of viable sperm that were going to be fine to use for IVF. Yes! The first hurdle was cleared!

Now we are at the present day, where this blog will begin documenting the steps to what will hopefully be our first child together. Perhaps, even, our first and second child together (twins???).

I had my baseline ultrasound appointment, and my ovaries are ready to begin the stimulation process. I start my medications next week, and we are looking to transfer the embryos before the end of July. It has been so hard to wait for this, as things with fertility happen in terms of months, not days or weeks. We hear so many positive comments from everyone, doctors and family and friends, that we will be successful because we are not dealing with unexplained infertility or anything like that. We just have what they are calling a "communication problem" and nothing else. We throw around names, and I confess, I have bought an outfit! I keep telling myself not to do that stuff because it will only make it harder if it fails. I can't seem to stop it though, in my mind I am already pregnant.

I will use this blog to note important events, I will write when I feel in the mood or have something to say, and I will use it as a diary of sorts. It is my hope that it will end up very long and will hopefully mark milestones such as first steps, first birthdays, and things like that. The reality is that it could be only a couple of entries long, the treatment may fail, and we may end up being unable to have a child together. We will still have very full lives, with the six children we already have, and that will be enough if that is what fate has in store for us. I will remain optimistic until the bitter end, and of course, we will try more than one time. We will try until the embryos are gone or until we are pregnant.