Day 3

It's day 3 of the wait. In my wildest imaginations I never could have began to think what this would be like. There is an entire culture of women going through IVF and entire discussion boards dedicated to the 2ww. There are so many acronyms you would think it was owned and operated by the government!!

As for me: I am miserable. Yesterday I was convinced that this didn't work and that there was no way I was pregnant. Then I started researching signs that you are pregnant, and I found that I have fallen into one of the cruelest games known to man. See, all the things that give women their early pregnancy symptoms are the same things they have us injecting ourselves with. Basically every single pregnancy symptom is created by progesterone, of which I take a shot of every night. So pregnant or not - you get the signs. If the sign is not caused by progesterone, then it is caused by HCG, which again, you shoot into yourself before the retreival and it stays there for at least 10 days. So the signs are there and they do not tell you anything. Your own body is deceiving you each and every minute of each and every day.

And talk about helpless - there is nothing, NOTHING you can do to help this along. You just get the embryos put in and sit and wait and hope. No amount of rest or activity, eating certain foods, abstaining from or having sex, nothing will help those embryos stick around. IT IS HELL.

I am tired but can't sleep, bored but don't want to do anything, cold with goose bumps one second and deathly hot and sweating the next, hungry but want nothing to eat, one minute I cannot understand how my kids can just walk right over the pile of laundry in the living room and the next minute I am crying at what beautiful specimens of life they are, I am crying while watching Oprah for God's sake! I don't feel good but can't take any medicine, I really don't even want to be writing this blog right now and I was just overcome with irritation at myself for even doing it.

Bye.